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Rockumentary

Music biopics Hollywood won't make.

Hollywood adores making big-budget biopics about rock stars and their eternal struggles with booze, broads and diverse demons. And we love watching them. Some they nailed, others not so much. Jamie Foxx was a respectable Ray Charles, for instance, and Gary Oldman made a fine Sid Vicious. But Joaquin Phoenix basically croaked his way around the screen as Mr. Johnny Cash, and that 50 Cent one was, uh, delightful.

Word has it that Elijah Wood was just cast as Iggy Pop, and seven people are playing Bob Dylan in a biopic, including Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett and a little black child. (Sounds downright avant-TARD!) The Germs are coming to the big screen, along with Dusty Springfield. And there's a nasty rumor going around the Internet that Mr. Foxx may be cast to play Bob Marley.

Fair enough. But where are the deep and corrosive stories of the less talented? The one-hit wonders, the flashes in the pan, our pop culture's pond scum? Oh, right. It's all about the box office and Oscars, huh?

Well, shame on you, Hollywood. Bad multinational money-hungry conglomerates! The losers have tales to tell, too. These poor people deserve some attention. Not a lot, okay, but some. So before that Phil Spector picture is green-lit with Tom Cruise, or Don Cheadle is cast to play Miles Davis, here are some ideas for future biopics. Paging Spike Jonze! American Bad Ass Remember Kid Rock? The Early Morning Stoned Pimp? The Bull God? Macaulay Culkin will own this role, trust us.

Halford

The decadent lead singer of Judas Priest, Rob Halford, had lots of demons (he didn't come out of the closet publicly until almost twenty years after his group's heyday). Two words: Clay Aiken. Come on -- the impish American Idol crooner is the Leather Rebel! Two tortured and haunted artists become one. The Claymates are an untapped buying market.

Suave!

So what if the Latin Explosion went out with Intern-gate and Beanie Babies? The world deserves -- no, yearns -- to hear the saga of Gerardo, aka Mr. Rico Suave. The crack addiction. The incident with the Chilean death cult. We're thinking Wilmer Valderrama. Can you imagine him in those tight Z. Cavariccis as the "Latin Elvis"? ¿Es muy caliente, no?

Cabo Madness

Sammy Hagar's life on the fantastic island of sun, sand and hijinks, sorta like a soft-porn Frankie-and-Annette beach romp. This good-natured caper stars Carrot Top in a career-defining role as Hagar, using no props whatsoever.

All That Glittered

Mariah Carey gets the Ray treatment as Kelly Clarkson literally chews into the celluloid in a cinematic tour de force co-starring Al Pacino as Tommy Mottola. Heartbreak, horrible records and very public meltdowns, baby. And big ol' ham sandwiches, with Cool Ranch Doritos instead of lettuce.

 
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