Pitch, Pitch, Pitch

Real enough. Moreland is also an avid sports fan whose commercials occasionally show him wearing Rockies or Broncos jerseys -- when he's not dressing up as George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. A special breed indeed.

While most pitchmeisters go over the top, Tom Shane goes the other direction. For the past thirty years, his monotone, impossibly boring voice has lulled radio listeners into a hypnotic stupor as we absorb the details of Shane learning the jewelry business from his father and grandfather, flying to Belgium to pick out the highest-quality stones, blah, blah, blah, then detailing the locations where we can buy these gems. The pitch becomes so fused in our memory that when the exact same ad comes on in California, we feel betrayed.

"The Shane Company. Fourth Floor, Bayview Federal Building, 2121 South El Camino."

What? No I-25? No Arapahoe Road?

Though based in Englewood, the Shane Company has 23 stores ranging from Oregon to Georgia, and all use the same spots. Discovering that was bad enough, but early last year, Shane changed his time-tested formula by adding a female voice to the end of the commercial singing a shrill "He's dull...but he's brilliant!" Thank God that idea was chucked by summer. Leave self-awareness to the jerks on Madison Avenue, Tom. We like our brainwashing chant the way it is.