The Governator

Dear Mexican: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger keep putting his foot in his mouth and talking smack about Mexicans? To my understanding, his wife Maria is of Mexican descent. He's not only humiliating nuestra raza, but his wife, too.

Deep Sea Angler

Dear Wab: You're confusing your degenerate Catholics, cabrón: Maria Shriver is half Mick. But you're right about her husband. Californians elected the action hero in 2003 and again last year under the assumption that he would shake up partisan politics, but after four years as governor, his only accomplishments are in Mexican-bashing. In the past, he's praised the Minuteman Project and claimed many Mexican immigrants "try to stay Mexican" in the United States. The latest examples emerged this month, when the Los Angeles Timesunearthed year-old recordings of Schwarzenegger comparing illegal immigrants (read: Mexicans) to squatters in Zimbabwe who "come and land and you can't get rid of them," saying that the 1986 amnesty "fucked the American people" and declaring that "Mexicans don't make that effort" to assimilate and want to "create a Mexico within California." Schwarzenegger isn't wholly evil: the tapes also feature him opposing mass deportations and a border fence. Indeed, the man is a genius. Though his English is still as accented as that of your average day laborer, he is Americanized enough to embrace the concept of Mexican exceptionalism, the uniquely gabacho belief that all immigrant groups assimilate into this great land except Mexicans. He's acculturated enough to know that trashing Mexicans is the best way to bolster a floundering political or public career -- just ask Lou Dobbs. And he understands that an immigrant doesn't truly become an American until he dismisses the latest huddled masses as pendejos. Yet despite his beaner-bashing, Schwarzenegger still has the huevos to do interviews with Spanish-language media and spend millions on campaign ads en español. Unimaginative Chicanos refer to the Austrian-born Schwarzenegger as a Nazi; I call him the melting pot writ large with steroids.

Dear Mexican: I'm a teacher, and just about every one of my wetback kids is obese. Why are wetbacks so fat?

Maestro of Nada

Dear Gabacho: Assimilation, chulo.

Dear Mexican: The local community center has a problem with Mexicans putting their feet on the walls during dances, weddings and other gatherings. They lean against the walls, then put one foot back. Is this to look cool and attract the ladies? What it really does is dirty the walls.

Foot Lose

Dear Gabacho: Try this: Visit the center during a Mexican dance, and dance. Not the writhe-in-one-place moves favored by gabachos; dance like a Mexican. Break a sweat to the mestizo polkas and waltzes blaring from the speakers, cop an ass feel while you're at it and dance non-stop for an hour. Don't your legs hurt? Wouldn't you like to stretch them out? It's bad manners to do it on a table, so the walls are the only other option. Besides, what do you care if Mexicans dirty walls? Just gives them another cleaning job come mañana.