Square to Be Hip

Hipsters are, like, so ten minutes ago.

I'm beginning to get pretty fucking tired of the word hipster. The ubiquity of the term is weighing me down like a studded belt with an ironic buckle that doubles as a bottle-opener. The other day, por ejemplo, I was reading a society column -- I like to keep tabs on which wealthy MILFs are freshly divorced and back out there cougaring -- and the writer used "hipster" to describe the crowd at some event. Of course, this was a clueless gossip flack who, just prior to downing her ninth complimentary martini and blacking out in a heap of broken dreams on the floor, probably had noticed an overzealous conventioneer in a recently purchased $250 cowboy shirt and so deemed the event "hip" -- but still, the word "hipster," much like the cock of the Mexican busboy she woke up with the following morning, is something that should not have been in this woman's mouth.

And so, as with any phenomenon that has gotten too big and popularized and like, sold out, man, I'm sounding the hater alert (imagine Ice-T bellowing like a car alarm) and boldly proclaiming that it's time for a new term. Of course, I am well aware that the essence of "hipsterdom" is declaring things soooooo ten minutes ago, which means that all you truly hipster-hip fuckers knew "hipster" was played out ten minutes ago, but here's the thing about that: Ten minutes ago, my favorite show, Throwdown With Bobby Flay was on, so I'm just getting to this revelation now, you lady-jeans-wearing assholes.

But in order to come up with a new term to describe hipsters, I needed a better understanding of just what, exactly, a hipster is. Truth be told, I've never really known. "Hipster" is a word that mysteriously entered my vocabulary a few years ago, without me knowing how or when, and somehow became attached to my descriptions of people who possess an affinity for certain superficial tendencies, such as wearing thrift-store clothing, donning Castro caps and occasional throwback mustaches and, above all, being judgmental. If pressed to move beyond that cursory definition, I'd say that hipsters are a group of people who are defined by being undefined, and who always manage to stay one step ahead of the trends. Only problem is, once the undefined, ahead-of-the-trends phenomenon has been recognized and defined, shouldn't it cease to exist? After marketers realized that hipsters were a group they could target and sell things to -- I'm looking at you, Urban Outfitters -- shouldn't all of the hipsters have fallen over dead on the spot? I can imagine a tranquil evening at Sputnik, with everyone discussing Ted Leo and sipping Stella, when all of a sudden, a panicked hipsteroo sprints in the door and screams, "Hey, everybody, they're on to us! There's so many of us now that we can no longer be the outsiders! We have become the mainstream!"

And then the entire Baker neighborhood explodes in a gigantic mushroom cloud.

"They're the nerdy, pretentious fucks who used to get slammed into lockers and now exact their revenge through out-and-out smarminess," one friend told me.

"Messy hair, trendy fuckers you see at Lipgloss every Friday night," said another.

"Look in the mirror, Adam, you're a fucking hipster," smirked a third.

Notice how people use "fuck" a lot when you bring up hipsters?

For help, I decided to turn to Josh Spear, a blog geek who started writing about things he liked while a student at the University of Colorado on www.joshspear.com and quickly emerged as one of the nation's foremost trend-spotters. Spear and his Boulder-based team are now paid gobs of money by brand managers and ad execs to tell them what is hip and cool, and how to force it down the throats of 18- to 24-year-old consumers.

"Hipsters are like a confluence of fashion, music and a way of life that this group has tried to define itself by," explains Spear. "And I think one of their aims is to separate themselves from the rest of the pack, but in the process, they have melded together and become one and the same." With bands like Fall Out Boy marketing the lifestyle, he adds, the "hipster set" these days is pretty much confined to your average high-school student.

So, according to these trend gurus, not only is "hipster" a played-out term to describe those mop-tops judging you at the bar, it no longer even applies to people of bar-going age. Clearly, the term is past its prime. So I'm turning to you, the adoring What's So Funny public, to come up with a new word for "hipster." (I believe I've sufficiently described the type of person I'm referencing, and if you're still confused, put down the paper and go punch yourself in the face, because you're an idiot.)

Here, I'll get you started: Holier-than-thous. Vespadores. Douchebags. Work with me, Denver, and we'll find a word for these people that will sweep the nation.

A word that, while still non-existent at this point, is already so ten minutes ago.

 
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