Energy Crisis

SPIKE isn�t for kids. It�s not for adults, either.

Comments (0) By Adam Cayton-Holland Thursday, May 10 2007

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Finished First Can, Opened Second, Mother of All That Is Holy, This Cannot Continue

Walking outside, the world seems alternately optimistic and bleak. Construction workers lunching on the corner look defeated. Kids at the daycare center soar like clouds. A woman's glove with two fingers cut off is sinister. Arby's Mozzarella Sticks sound delicious. Or disgusting, can't say for sure. I pass a waiter taking a break outside a restaurant; he's sipping a Red Bull, and it looks like water to me, it's so weak compared to SPIKE. It's like that guy's smoking a joint and I'm sniffing meth from tile cracks beneath a truck-stop urinal. Dan the Man was right about this stuff: The chemicals jam-packed in here are just not good for you. Or at least not for me. I feel completely cracked out. Everyone who sees me can tell I'm a little off and avoids me. I'm sure my walking pattern is erratic. My sweating has continued, and my pit stains are huge. Seriously, fat-guy huge. It's embarrassing. My heart does not really hurt yet, but it's sending me this ominous signal, like, "You really want to keep this up, big guy? Because I'm going to be forced to respond drastically." I've no choice in the matter. I'm calling an audible and pouring out the rest of this second can, potential lawsuit against Westwordbe damned.

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I think I'm going to puke.

Aftermath

Several hours after my experiment, I seem to have returned to normal. I go home and eat something, take a shower, get into it with my roommates over their moronic behavior last night which I just sooooodon't want to talk about right now, and then the apparatus that is Cayton-Holland is all systems go -- except for proper heart function, of course.

All in all, outside of the magnet that I shoved up my nose when I was three and my parents only noticed a few days later when it started to stink, I would say SPIKE is the worst thing I've ever put in my body. And I've done a shit-ton of intravenous drugs. But in a way, I'm glad I tried SPIKE. Otherwise, I would never have known how awful it is and wouldn't be able to warn you to never drink it. Ever.

Shame I didn't cover its meteoric rise, though.

To see a slide show, click here.