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Hapa Sushi Grill and Sake Bar

A sushi roll or a roll in the hay?

Relations between men and women have many unresolved issues. There's constant bitching about the quantity and quality of sex. Also, no couple on earth can agree on a reasonable definition of "clean." Guys know something is "clean" if they've sprayed a liquid on it, then wiped it up with a paper towel; women know nothing is clean until you've thrown away said paper towel. My wife and I have a particular problem when it comes to the definition of a "decent wine." She is perfectly content to drink wine from a box -- which is not really surprising for someone from Georgia who used squirrels as currency when growing up. I, however, like to base my judgment on taste.

Which is why Lowry Liquors deserves a special award from the Institute of Drinking Studies. I went in there the other night after my wife asked me to find a "sweet red wine," pretty much resigned to buying a box or huge jug filled with a nasty, rose-colored liquid. Instead, after I told one of the employees of my plight, he immediately walked to the end of an aisle and grabbed a bottle labeled "Ménage à Trois." I was thrilled, as we all know this is as close as I'll ever get.

In a similar vein, Hapa Sushi Grill and Sake Bar (2780 East Second Avenue) deserves its own Institute award, this one for being the sushi spot most likely to get you talking dirty. It's not easy for men and women to talk about sex in public, not unless they are in that initial dating phase when they want to rip each other's clothes off every two seconds or are meeting a friend's new date and want to impress/horrify him/her with their sexual knowledge. But just one look at Hapa's menu gets you in the mood, since it includes such rolls as the Climax, Orgasm, Multiple Orgasm, 69 and Foreplay.

We wanted to try them all -- because we knew that after a few hours of going head-to-head for Crown and Coke with the Redneck, we would be physically incapable of performing any of the named acts. And even if we were willing and able, it's hard to share carnal knowledge after you've said or done something in public that guarantees you a pillow and blanket on the couch. So I asked our superb waitress if we might get an array of these provocative offerings. "How about I make kind of a 'Dirty Sushi Sampler'?" she offered. "I'll give you a Multiple Orgasm and throw in the Climax and the Foreplay."

"Sounds good, but hopefully not in that order," I answered.

This inspired an entire round of inappropriate behavior.

"I'll have to have a smoke after the Climax," stated the Scottish Representative.

"I typically just roll over and go to sleep," said the Redneck Liaison. His wife promptly slugged him, at which point he turned to her and said, "I can't say anything!"

The Texan's wife doesn't eat sushi, but was very interested in the Screaming Orgasm rolls. "Can I get multiples of those?" she wondered.

Undaunted, the Redneck suggested that it would be really cool if his wife offered mine one of her Orgasms.

The true beauty of Hapa Sushi is that as a culinary experience, it comes very close to the level of the primal human events that inspired its menu. And everything else about our night there was wonderful, too. The quick-minded staff never left us for long without a drink and was always ready with more sushi and innuendo. At the end of our meal, they serenaded us with a very naughty dessert featuring a banana. We didn't even mind that when the tab came, it was in a folder labeled "The Damage." Because by then, the booze and locker-room humor had done as much damage to us guys as our wives could handle.

 
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