By Brian Turk
By Drew AIles
By Taylor Boylston
By Bree Davies
By Emerald O'Brien
By Gina Tron
By Jon Solomon
1. Given the chance to actually wear the American flag, you would...
a) Turn it into a sexy leather halter top to accentuate your barely legal curves, like Britney Spears did on the cover of Rolling Stone's May 2000 issue. (0 points)
b) Hack a hole in it and wear it as a tacky poncho to rock 2004's Super Bowl XXXVIII, like Kid Rock did. (-2)
c) Find two gay men to appear in a 1990 Rock the Vote commercial with you while you wear nothing but combat boots, lacy red lingerie and a great big American flag, like Madonna did. (1)
2. On "Living in the Promiseland," Willie Nelson sang, "Give us your tired and weak, and we will make them strong/Bring us your foreign songs, and we will sing along." His message was...
a) Immigrants, stay out. (-1)
b) America has never needed immigrants or their cultures to weave a complex tapestry of peoples, so, seriously, stay the fuck out. (-2)
c) If you believe in hard work, America will give you the chance to find some for less than minimum wage — but it's your job to look out for immigration services. (1)
3. You're out for a stroll and happen to come across a shiny new handgun. Do you...
a) Shoot something with antlers, then mount it on your living room wall? (2)
b) Shoot a gangsta rapper several times with it? (3)
c) Defend your right to own it by citing the 2nd Amendment? (1)
4. The last time you made public comments about how much you opposed the current administration's foreign policies, did...
a) Southern conservatives collect copies of your CD and destroy them in Nazi book-burning fashion to show their disgust for you? (-3)
b) Toby Keith prove he has no understanding of the U.S. Constitution by insisting you actually don't have the right to free speech? (-2)
c) You realize you were actually part of a staggering majority, and the only ones left to argue against you also believe that Jesus is returning in this lifetime? (2)
-8 to -1 points: You're about as American as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his pen pal, Osama bin Laden.
0 to 3 points: You're the average American. Don't travel overseas, though; you're one of the dumbasses who make us look bad to other cultures.
4 to 5 points: This score means you're educated enough to be called an enemy of America by the Christian right, but not quite artsy (read: gay) enough for them to also call you an enemy of God.
6 to 7 points: Holy mother of Abraham Lincoln, you bleed red, white and blue. Remember Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Well, that would be you if you ran for office! What are you waiting for? America needs you!