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The Naked Truth

Why won’t Mexicans wear shorts?

By Gustavo Arellano 

Dear Mexican: A friend once asked me for a Spanish word or phrase that contains fewer syllables than its English counterpart. After years of thinking about this, the only one I could come up with was "Tengo sed" (three syllables), compared to "I am thirsty" (four syllables). This could be directly translated as "I have thirst," though, which would make it three syllables. Can you come up with any others? Point is, why do wabs have to use so many goddamn syllables just to say "Yes, I will clean your toilet for $6.50 an hour?"

Long in the Dong

Dear Gabacho: This spicy column has tackled questions about dwarves, anal sex and anal-sex-loving dwarves, but this is by far the strangest pregunta I've received. Not to mention ignorant: You don't even have to think of another phrase to fit your requirements, pendejo! If you further conjugate Tengo sed, you can create ¿Tiene sed? (Is he thirsty?) and ¿Tienes sed? (Are you thirsty?). As for Spanish words with fewer syllables than their English translation, a random selection that took about a minute of half-deliberation includes lentes (eyeglasses), papa (potato) and tonto (Guatemalan). That's all I'll give you, Long Dong. Sorry, but there are more important issues to debate besides multi-syllabic words and why Spanish has longer words than English (it's the Latin, stupid). Point is, how can you think about long-winded wabs when your elected officials would rather fret about Mexicans than the chaos in the Middle East?

Dear Mexican: Too bad you and your crowd didn't get amnesty. Fuck you and your illegal-alien-loving ass. You suck and should leave the country, you race-hustling professional Chicano turd.

Piddle in the Middle

Dear Gabacho: First off, it's professional Mexican turd; second, guess what Congress is mulling again?

Dear Mexican: This past winter, I was walking around with a Mexican guy I work with. I was the only person in Boston wearing shorts, and it brought to mind a question I have had for many years: why Mexicans always wear pants regardless of how hot it is. It blows me away when we have the sweltering humid days of summer that these Mexicans don't wear shorts. Is there some sort of religious restriction that precludes them from wearing shorts? Strangely, he admitted that he owns no shorts other than the ones he wears when he goes swimming or scuba diving.

Short in the Fort

Dear Gabacho: Can you and every other gabacho who wonders why Mexicans don't show much flesh cut it out with the religious explanations already?! Not everything having to do with Mexican modesty is a result of our ingrained Catholicism. Take your shorts question: If hombres faithfully followed the tenets of Mexican Catholicism, we'd live our lives as gloriously half-naked as the crucified Jesus. Besides, Mexican men don't need shorts. Half-pants are for wussy gabachos who can't take the heat, or chicas calientes looking to draw wolf whistles.