By Joel Warner
By Michael Roberts
By Alan Prendergast
By Michael Roberts
By Michael Roberts
By Amber Taufen
By Patricia Calhoun
By William Breathes
"Sweet Jesus, Hillary, it's like you hear me but you don't listen. How many bulletins are on my MySpace page right at this moment from you? Great question, Hillary. The answer is three. 'Watch President Bill Clinton in Action,' 'Reviews Are In: Hillary Rocked the Wednesday Debate,' 'Check out Hillary flying a kite near some Hispanic children.' Enough, already. It's getting out of control."
No response, no deletion. Clearly, it was time to change tactics.
"So, like, when's Chelsea coming out to show a little support? I haven't seen her in forever. Is she seeing anyone these days? Would she like to be seeing someone? Say, a swarthy, liberal intellectual in the fine burg of Denver, Colorado? Tell her I have soft hands."
Again, no response. Fuck you, Hillary, I thought. No one is steering your MySpace ship. And that's a shame, because I really think Chelsea and Rod would have made a great couple. If she agreed to get her braces put back on, that is.
Emboldened by my Hillary experimentation (I wonder how many unfortunate '70s Yalies have uttered that exact line), I began messaging and commenting without fear of comeuppance or retribution. I was starting to think of the candidates the same way I do those creeps who leave comments about free gift cards for Macy's on your page, or the whores who solicit you to hit up their websites, where they post the naked pictures that MySpace won't allow them to show. For shame, you MySpace abusers, no one wants to see your naked pictures — and I'm especially looking at you, Chris Dodd. Although nude pics of John Edwards? Kind of curious...
To Dennis Kucinich: "Thanks for the add, Kuch! You definitely kick some A! And I love that you were the only candidate to vote against the war in Iran. They all act like the fact that they supported the war in Iran never happened. Keep keeping it real, and you def have my vote."
Bill Richardson: "So, George Lopez? Funny or not funny? Oh! Ditto Mencia."
Chris Dodd: "The stern glower that you left me as a comment falls somewhere betwixt inspiring and terrifying. It's inspirifying. Like someone made a wax copy of you, then photographed it, and then sent those photos to people around the world. P.S. Did you know that 'Chris' almost sounds like 'Christ'?"
Mike Gravel: "Sooo, thanks for the add and all, but I'm not going to lie: I have no idea who you are. I assume that you are the man who invented gravel and you used that wealth to springboard into politics, but I really have no idea. But that's what this whole MySpace thing is about, right? Meeting new people, learning more about them? So hit me back, son. Let me know a bit more about yourself and why I should vote for you. If your response is in haiku form — traditional construction — I guarantee a vote. Peace out."
In response, a volunteer named Deborah informed me that while the man did not invent gravel, he filibustered the draft during Vietnam and stopped underground nuclear testing in Alaska — like that wasn't going to happen anyway. But at least Gravel wrote back; none of my other candidate friends responded. Even worse, two weeks into my experiment, John Edwards, Joe Biden and Barack Obama had not even added me to their list of friends! I mean, here was Obama, with some googolplex friends, and he couldn't even take on the Rod? The guy who loves the Dave Matthews Band, microbrews and kayaking? So I wrote the three holdouts, offering them one more chance.
John Edwards: "Hey, man. How come I can't get an add as a friend? Is it the smell? I'm working on that. But even those of us who stink need a good president. There, I said it."
P.S.: Send nude pics.
Joe Biden: "Hey, yo, Biden, what's up with the no add, man? I've been waiting for two weeks to get down with the Biden MySpace friendship, to no response. I saw you give a speech once to a class of graduating Northwestern Law School students. It was really political and, like, screamy. So let me get your friendship, player. I'll put you in my top eight. What is the point of having a MySpace page if you're going to leave fools like the Rod straight hanging?"
Barack Obama: "Hey, man, I've been waiting on a pseudo MySpace friendship for over two weeks now. I know I'm not as hot or as vapid as the Obama Girl, but come on: Accept the friendship, man. Every vote counts, Obama. Every vote counts. Except in Florida."
Even after these heartfelt entreaties, Biden and Edwards did not accept my friend requests. They are now dead to me. But finally, Obama took me on as a comrade, so I sent him the following as a thank-you: "I just wanted to say how excited I am that you're running for president. I think having a Muslim in office right now sends the exact right message to the rest of the world: America has changed; we're not the same country that you hate so much. But I really don't know all that much about the Muslim religion, so I just want to make sure you're not, like, extremist Muslim or anything. You know, like terrorist Muslim fundamentalists and stuff that you see on CNN. You've never been associated with any sects like that as a Muslim, have you? Anyway, probably a stupid question, but just wanted to check."