Beaner Bawl

Dear Mexican: I like to think that I'm an open-minded sorta guy for a teenager. I fervently oppose racial stereotypes, though I do think they're sometimes good for a laugh or two. I have several Mexican friends, and none of them live up to the "Mexican standard" of lawn-mowing, stupidity and the like. One is going into international business, and another is thinking about a career in engineering. Those two are about as far away from the cliches as possible. The problem is that some of them enjoy pulling the "beaner card" out whenever they get criticized. "It's because I'm Mexican, isn't it?" is a frequent comeback. I realize it's just banter, but it can be quite annoying when the people you associate with use their race against you. My question: Could you compose a list of snappy phrases I can use as counterstrikes? We're all pretty easygoing guys, so don't hold back. Then again, they're my friends, so if you could also include a set of comebacks I can use to defend my Mexican buddies against the short-minded, I would really appreciate it.
Beaner Buddy

Dear Gabacho: I will grant but uno comeback, one for you to use against anyone who hassles your amigos: "Don't act like me." Seriously, Beaner Buddy, your letter reads like a long excuse to seek the Mexican's blessing to bash his raza. You start by claiming your opposition to stereotypes, yet quickly say that they're funny before moving on to describe the typical Mexican as a stupid lawn-mower. Your Mexican friends are supposedly "as far away from the cliches as possible," but you criticize them for acting like whiny minorities. And then you conclude with a plea for choice invectives! Racial and ethnic slurs are fine in a tit-for-tat situation, but nowhere do you even suggest that your friends dismiss you as a gabacho culero. Give me proof of the latter, and I'll direct you to my Muy Caliente Glossary at www.ocweekly.com, where you can cobble some slurs to fuel your badly justified pendejadas. Otherwise, tough tamales.

Dear Mexican: After the amnesty bill was defeated, I noticed that a lot of self-professed Christian conservatives were happy. They must've forgotten Leviticus 19:33-34: "And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him. But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God." How can a true Christian disregard this passage?
The Holy Niño of Tejas

Dear Readers: I don't care if you're an Aztlanista or Tom Tancredo: Stop quoting biblical verse to bolster your stance on illegal immigration. Pro-immigrant advocates cite this Leviticus passage to argue that God is on their lado; Know Nothings shoot back with John 10:1, where Jesus told the disciples, "Verily, verily I say unto you: He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber." If the Bible has taught us any lesson in our postmodern world, it's this: The Good Book is bueno nowadays only to bolster flimsy reasoning. The sole Bible passage that accurately describes illegal immigration is John 11:35: "Jesus wept."