Caldonia’s

B is for Bikini.

For a lot of guys, the more important things in life all start with the letter "B": babes, boobs, butts, bikinis, beer, barbecue, burgers, basketball, baseball, bikes... the list goes on. And all that and more was going on in one way or another at Caldonia's (2252 South Parker Road) on a recent Friday, when I was one of hundreds of people who showed up for the first week of the Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest, which runs every Friday through June 27.

After Brethren Fast — a group that hasn't lost any speed while playing around town the past twelve years — finished its first set, G Man from 103.5/The Fox got on the stage at the edge of the massive patio and called up the first gal. He rattled off her bio, revealing that she was studying medicine and liked to paraglide, uh, in the nude. The next contestant was a former Miss Teen Colorado, and the next worked at an animal hospital. "I love animals!" a guy behind me yelled.

"She likes to dance and swim in the nude," G Man said as yet another gal strutted on the stage. By now I'd realized that he was just adding "in the nude" to every hobby, including that of the contestant who wanted to be a nurse and liked to dance on roller skates — you guessed it — in the nude. This continued until ten gals had gotten the chance to parade around the stage. Since this was the first round, most still had clothes on.

During the next round, the girls came out one by one in their bikinis, and G Man probed deeper, asking questions like, "If you were a power tool, what would you be?" "A band saw," one girl answered. When the next one came on stage, he asked, "If you were stranded on a desert island and only had one thing, what would it be?" "A dildo," she replied, and the crowd went wild.

As G Man interviewed each contestant, a guy behind me kept yelling, "But what about her shoe size?" I almost turned around and asked if he'd ever seen that fetish documentary about the guy who pays women to put on running shoes and jog around the block, then sniffs the shoes like Dennis Hopper sucking hits of nitrous in Blue Velvet. I think the foot fetishist was also the guy who yelled out "Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, we got screwed" when the only gal wearing a one-piece swimsuit pranced up on the stage. She did switch to a bikini in the final round, but by then it was too late.

The prize went to the most wholesome one in the bunch. "A classic beauty," the guy behind me said. A beauty indeed, I thought. And, hey, that's another word that starts with "B."


Club scout: On Saturday, May 31, DJs Chris Irvin, Jedi Scott and Selector JoshD will launch Jet Set, a monthly night of rock, electro, punk, ska, Brit pop and more at Bender's Tavern (314 East 13th Avenue); the second Jet Set will take off on Saturday, July 5. Starting Wednesday, June 4, DJs Amen and Sounds Supreme will cook up a weekly mix of baile funk, electro, hip-hop and more at Sutra (1109 Lincoln Street), with a free keg on the dance floor and Absolut drink specials. And at Sutra on Fridays, ladies can now drink free from 5 to 8 p. m.

Dazzle Restaurant & Lounge (930 Lincoln Street) just started its Jazz Clash series, which runs through July 21. At 9 p.m. every Monday, a different up-and-coming act will perform, and audience members will get a ballot where they can record their thoughts on the group. On Monday, June 2, the group is TheSaurus; the following Monday, Cameron Hicks Group takes the stage.

 
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