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Tavern 13

How to get chicks, in one easy lesson.

If you ask a teenage boy why he's learning how to play the guitar, there's a good chance he'll reply, "To get chicks." Sure, he might say something like "To be cool," but even then, he's really hoping that some guitar chops might help him get laid. In fact, a musical instrument can have the same effect as beer goggles. I mean, I can watch a homely gal straddle a cello, and she'll get sexier with each song. And lots of average-looking (or worse) male musicians get lucky just because they're in a band.

For those of you who don't play an instrument, there are always bars. As the sign at Tavern 13 (1312 South Broadway) suggests: "Support your local bartender. Helping ugly people get laid." While I don't know if any unsightly folks got lucky when I was there last week, I do know that this is a friendly, no-bullshit place. Hanging behind the bar is that famous shot of Johnny Cash flipping off the camera, as well as another sign that says: "Notice: Everybody has a problem, but nobody wants to hear about it." I wish more bars had that motto: I've had more than my fair share of nights when I'm the only one at the bar and some guy comes in, sits right next to me, and goes on — and on — about how shitty his life is.

But nobody dared lay a trip on me at Tavern 13 this Wednesday night, which is open-mike night. Several musicians were hanging out, and we all talked about music instead of our problems. Andy, a drummer, was a big fan of ZZ Top's Frank Beard, and we discussed all the great hard-rock bands of the early '70s, including Cactus, which featured Vanilla Fudge's rhythm section. (Later, I found out that Jeff Beck and Rod Stewart were in an early version of the band.)

Alex, who was hosting the night, asked if there were any guitarists in the place. He had two guitars on stands and, without even thinking, I nodded, got off my bar stool and grabbed a guitar. After playing some slow blues, Andy and I jammed some bluesy funk and "Hey Joe." And near the end of the night, I played Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on acoustic guitar as the female bartender belted out the vocals. While backing up a hottie wasn't quite as good as getting laid, it proved that a fat, bald dude could at least get some attention. And it reminded me of the main reason I practiced on the guitar for six hours a day when I was thirteen: chicks.


Club scout: Michael Trundle and Tyler Jacobson, who just celebrated Lipgloss's seventh anniversary, will feature former Smiths bassist Andy Rourke as a DJ on Friday, July 11, at La Rumba (99 West Ninth Avenue). Fans of '80s music might also dig the new Acid Wash nights every Wednesday at Beta (1909 Blake Street), with resident DJs Lea Luna and That Bastard Thomas. And on Wednesday, July 16, the Sub.mission crew will bring in London-based Hatcha — considered by many to be the godfather of dubstep — to the Beatport Lounge at Beta; local DJs ServOne, Budros Gali, Dismal and Subliminal will also be at the decks.

Props to Denver's DJ Klaw, who's starting a weekly residency at Wasted Space, action-sports superstar Carey Hart's new club in the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. Dubbed Mommy's Little Monster, Klaw and the Troublemaker will be mashing up classic, punk, metal, hip-hop and rock every Wednesday at the 5,000-square-foot, high-end, rock-and-roll-themed club that's part of the casino's $750 million expansion. Klaw, the son of legendary jazz drummer Bill Goodwin, also starts a new Thursday-night residency at Bender's Tavern (314 East 13th Avenue) on July 10.

 
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