Coming out, Mexican style

Dear Mexican: I am a chica struggling with the choice to come out to my parents about my sexual orientation. My family is Catholic, and my parents are old-school. While we are very close, I am scared of how badly this can go. My parents have been living in the United States for about 45 years, and they have adopted some American attitudes about life. What are your thoughts concerning those of us who juggle Catholicism, homosexuality and old-fashioned (but great) Mexican parents?

An Innocent Bi-Stander

Dear Saint: I feel for ustedes. It's hard enough for closeted Mexicans to deal with their sexuality in a society that still doesn't allow homosexuals to marry — current California state law until sexual Know Nothings intervene notwithstanding. Mix in your Catholic faith and still-wabby parents, and the anguish must be agonizing. There's only one thing to do: Come out to your parents. But don't take my heterosexist word for it. I asked my amiga, the hilariously subversive writer Monica Palacios, to advise you. The queer señorita offered this beautiful note for your use:

Dear Chica With Muy Catholic Parents: Slip a note into the piñata that reads, "Queridos Padres: Happy Anniversary, I love you very much, and by the way — I'm a lesbian. My sexuality is not a reflection about you, it's about who I am — and I am a healthy, happy woman in love with another woman. My girlfriend and I would like for you to attend the performance of Monica Palacios. She's hot and a Chicana lesbian performer who will be doing a piece about the importance of same-sex marriage. Please come, learn and laugh, and then we can all go out for menudo." Be true to yourself, amiga: Your parents might be upset, but better them than you living a lie.

Wait a minute, Monica: Only I'm allowed to shamelessly self-promote in this column! But do take her advice, Bi-Stander (find more at www.monicapalacios.com).

And for any homophobic Mexicans out there: Get over it. Gays and lesbians are the illegal immigrants of American sexuality, perfectly normal folk who, because they're just the slightest bit different from mainstream norms, must suffer bigots and stupid laws.

Dear Mexican: All my Mexican friends who are Catholic don't know anything about Catholicism. Are the Chicanos going to hell?

Our Lady of Perpetual Porno

Dear Gabacha: Any Catholic — Mexican or otherwise — who hasn't risen up to fight their leadership's role in the Church's horrific sex-abuse scandal is going to hell. And any Catholic who doesn't support the Church's pro-Reconquista stance on immigration also has a date with the diablo. In conclusion, worship Huitzilopotchli.