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With a mere 28 shopping days remaining until Christmas, I feel it is my duty to shift away from my regular musings on the state of world politics/my facial hair, and turn to the world of brash, soulless consumerism, so that we may all celebrate Jesus in a way befitting our ancestors. Except, of course, those of us whose ancestors killed him. Me? I won't be doing any Christmas shopping — partially because some of my ancestors probably did have a hand in slaying the Son of God, sure, but more because were I to purchase gifts, I would not be able to pay my mortgage. So this year, I'm encouraging all of my friends and family to consider the humor and good cheer that I daily bless their lives with as my gift to them.
But for those of you who can afford things like food and stamps, may I recommend that you get your friends a My Twinn doll?
No one knows why My Twinn spells the word "Twin" with two ns. Theories abound, but most people agree it's because of copyright issues that would have certainly ensued on account of the wildly popular buddy-blog mytwinistheshiznit.blogspot,com, updated daily by Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. DeVito blogs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; the Governator's all over Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. And on Sunday, the webmaster usually posts a picture of twin-fucking incest porn.
And yes, a few years ago, the Denver-based My Twinn company did go straight the shit out of business. But they're back, Jack, and with an interactive website of vanity to make good on their promise to create dolls that will look exactly like their young owners!
Me, I never quite got it. In my day, dolls had physically impossible waist- and bustlines, and everyone seemed to think that healthy and fine, even Hillary Clinton, who so famously said, "If it wasn't for Barbie, I would certainly have never almost not been president." But these My Twinn folk seem to think that manufacturing dolls that mirror their owners will encourage young girls to appreciate themselves and their individuality rather than inspire legions of already self-obsessed American children to become even more provincial.
And while that business plan didn't exactly pan out and the company went bankrupt in 2003, My Twinn has aggressively pursued its re-launch, manufacturing the creepy, narcissistic effigies in China (always a good way to get your toy company back on track) and then moving operations to Virginia. The "Denver dolls" are now considered collector's items.
How about that, huh? It's almost enough to make you forget that you've gone home for lunch to eat tuna fish four days in a row and there's no way in hell you could afford one of these $150 fuckers!
Hence My Twinn's new twinn-world website.
Creating an account under the name "MonkeyThief," I logged on to www.mytwinnmyworld.com and made the best What's So Funny online doll that I could (skin: white as chicken fat; head: Charlie Brown-shaped; eyes: brown as my future). It came out looking like some sort of overmedicated Punky Brewster, so I quickly headed to the cyber-salon with 2,000 gold coins that the site had gifted me and spent fifty on a new 'do; we all know Punky was a lesbian, so I made her look like one. Then I went to the candy shop, where I played some weird "Tea Party" game that I didn't understand at all (comforting, seeing as the target audience for the site is girls ages three through twelve), and somehow earned a bunch more coins.
Suddenly, with all these faux cyber-coins in my pocket, life didn't seem so scary. Never mind that the Big Three are begging the government to save the auto industry, and who cares that the Dow is hovering at just above go-fuck-yourself? Times just don't seem tough when you're a little girl who can create some freaky doppelgänger online and then play games for imaginary coins to purchase things like clothing, haircuts and treats — things that your own parents can't actually afford in the current economy.
But maybe, just maybe, if you're an extra good little girl this year, Daddy will be able to splurge and get you an actual My Twinn doll! Which Daddy should totally be able to do, provided he never utilized his 401(k) planning for your future.
Merry Christmas, everyone!