Colfax or Die

Some marathoners run; others drink.

The Colorado Colfax Marathon is, predictably, a really, really long running event that begins at the ass crack of dawn. And because it’s all USA Track and Field-certified — not to mention a qualifier for the Boston mary — swarms of sober endurance junkies will be in full effect with their short shorts, gel insoles and serious faces on. Which is great and everything, if you’re into that.

But if you want a more organic Colfax experience, consider registering for my completely unsanctioned, not-actually-happening, attempt-at-your-own-risk Drunk of the Week Colorado Colfax Marathon, which begins whenever the hell you shake off last night’s hangover and ends tomorrow morning while you’re trying to piece together how, exactly, you got home. Or didn’t.

In order to qualify for A Special Seat in Hell, you’ll need to:

• Spend all afternoon and evening on Colfax Avenue. Duh.

• Consume at least one alcoholic beverage at exactly 26.2 of Colfax’s fine watering holes. (To satisfy that pesky 0.2 requirement, simply stumble into one establishment for the sole purpose of relieving yourself. Make eye contact with no one.)

• Hug a homeless person and mean it. (Less-intoxicated half-marathoners may struggle with this requirement; if necessary, form a three-way relay team and make a partner do it.)

• Descend upon a group of competitors from that other marathon while they’re enjoying a round of cool-down cocktails or recharge apps and tell them you just saw legendary 1970s runner Steve Prefontaine down the street. When they tell you Pre has been dead for more than thirty years, sob uncontrollably until one of them gives you a ride home.

More of a spectator than a competitor? That’s cool — not everyone can drink a full marathon and score a free ride. Maybe next year, champ. With the right training.

Get more information about how and where to cheer on the runners, wheelchair participants and High-Five relay teams competing for philanthropy and glory in the real Colorado Colfax Marathon at www.coloradocolfaxmarathon.org or by calling 303-770-9600.
Sun., May 17, 2009

 
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