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Leon Hewitt 01/14/2011 4:53:00 AM
WOW! Your SOTEC sounds more churchy than my church... ;)
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Cold_hard_facts 01/06/2011 4:34:00 AM
PunkRock has just about as many rules now as any other sub-culture. It's actually kind of a logical inconsistency, PunkRock that is (as you point out). So, maybe it'd be best to say that Scum of the Earth has, and doesn't shun, people who dress "punkrock" or like punkrock or are just different in general. I'm not on staff or anything, but I don't think Scum of the Earth really purports to be "punkrock", to amalgamate Christianity with "punkrock ethos" do they? Their whole thing is, if you've felt left out at other churches, give us a try, we do things a little differently, dress differently, don't care how you dress, and emphasize some of the Christian values that are being ignored at many other churches.
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Cold_hard_facts 01/06/2011 4:22:00 AM
Men have misused Christianity, no doubt. Atrocities done in Christ's name have been done, no doubt. But, does that mean that Christianity, correctly understood and practiced (and to debate this we must look to Biblical doctrine), was really to be blamed for these atrocities, or might it be more astute to place the blame on sinful, greedy, men misusing religion for their own gain?
Plus, even if it is a 4,000 year old myth, that's pretty good, that's a good running--energizer-bunny style. That says something about it, that it's still around.
What's more reasonable: all that we see, all of matter, the universe came from an "Invisible Sky Wizard" as you call Him or from absolutely nothing at all? It takes a lot of faith to go from nothing to something. Of course, then you must ask: well, where'd the Sky Wizard come from? Good question. I say Sky Wizards are eternal by virtue of being Sky Wizards. I know that's kind of a lame answer too, but I still think it's better than something from nothing.
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Cold_hard_facts 01/06/2011 4:10:00 AM
"everyone is going to have something to say about it". Don't you think that's exactly what a publication wants: everybody talking about their article/picture?
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Cold_hard_facts 01/06/2011 4:08:00 AM
I loved the picture. I'm a Christian. Why is it blasphemy to depict Jesus with some piercings and a leather jacket? I don't think he'd choose the anarchy symbology (Jesus is the ultimate authority, so how can he be against authority; it'd be like being against himself) garb but...I don't think Jesus really gives a damn what people wear, in general (there'd be some exceptions: ass-less chaps, mini-skirts, etc.). Jesus cares about the inner motives of the heart.
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Vibekeb 01/03/2011 4:17:00 PM
Dear Friends,
i have looked over you comments and you all agree that the basic rule of punk would be that there is no rules! if this argument is true, i fail to see why the argument for the exsistance of a higher power would not fit in. as for feeling unaccepted by the church. that has happned to most everyone at some time in thier life. there is a broad spectrum of churches in this city, a few are likely to agree with your personal sensibilities. Scum or any other church does not have to agree with you, that would only make them humanistic, each person must live by thier own consience, or thier sense of who they are in the eyes of God, if we feel derfensive towards the world, that is the way we will approch life. I perosnally think all people are beautiful and all people are broken and all are in need of grace. I hope we all find it!
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01/02/2011 4:59:00 AM
no church is perfect. any of us could walk into a church on any given Sunday and find something wrong with it. The lighting was terrible, the music seemed too rehearsed. Nobody talked to me, etc. etc. At least Scum church is authentic, real, transparent and strives to the best of its ability to be an open book. We all want to put Jesus in a box, religion in a box, church in a tidy little box. Scum of the Earth church is an amazing ministry that seeks to reach what the mainstream Christianese often treat as 'projects' or a notch on some salvation belt. You can criticize, you can easily point fingers. At the end of the day, my question to you would be...if you can do better, why don't you start up your own church? To the critics who despise Christianity and spend your time and energy pointing the finger at others, maybe it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself. Certainly, you're not perfect either.
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01/02/2011 4:57:00 AM
no church is perfect. any of us could walk into a church on any given Sunday and find something wrong with it. The lighting was terrible, the music seemed too rehearsed. Nobody talked to me, etc. etc. Why? At least Scum church is authentic, real, transparent and strives to the best of its ability to be an open book. We all want to put Jesus in a box, religion in a box, church in a tidy little box. Scum of the Earth church is an amazing ministry that seeks to reach what the mainstream Christianese often treat as 'projects' or a notch on some salvation belt. You can criticize, you can easily point fingers. At the end of the day, my question to you would be...if you can do better, why don't you start up your own church? To the critics who despise Christianity and spend your time and energy pointing the finger at others, maybe it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself. Certainly, you're not perfect either.
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Justme 12/30/2010 3:11:00 PM
Why should religions change their beliefs because the times are changing. Just because society is accepting that people are gay doesnt mean the religon has to. These faiths and religons have been around for thousands of years, and even preached on the wrong of homosexuality (sodom and gamorrah) and now people want them to change their whole beliefs just to be accepting of homosexuals. If you do not like it choose another religon or start up your own thing. In asking them to be accepting of you shouldnt you be accepting of them and accept their beliefs even if you belive them to be wrong? Im not saying to be passive about the churches that are condeming you or your beliefs because they shouldnt be condeming people anyway, that is not their job and any true christian would know that. And you have your rights but so do they. They should have the right to practice their religon the way they see fit (freedom of religon).
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Bonnie Schmidt 12/30/2010 3:13:00 AM
I for one ......"LOVED" your article Josiah. Thought provoking and made me want to know more. seems like the point of a great article. The church sounds amazing, Wish I could visit. But I would probably stick out like a sore thumb .....LOL. Anyway..... keep up the good work. Bonnie Schmidt
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Pedagogy123 12/30/2010 3:13:00 AM
I am a conservative Christian with three degrees from a fundamental college. I totally agree with you about Jesus being a Jew and the original picture was a slam against Jews. Any time something different comes along, the conservatives raise their ugly heads by promoting their self-righteousness, but they never look at their own congregations who have the highest divorce rates, sexual immoralities by the members, and the list can go on. It reminds me of a few words that Jesus spoke: take the beam out of our own eyes before we try to remove a speck from someone else. I know, this is paraphrased and the fundamentalists will hate this because it is not KJV.
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12/29/2010 10:20:00 PM
Josiah wrote the piece; he did not choose the art. The cover was designed by our art director.
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Josiah M Hesse (Not Westword) 12/29/2010 3:53:00 AM
Raad Abdulahad,
I had nothing to do with the photo on the cover of the
Westword. That said, I think it is fantastic.
But no, I do not believe this photo "stands for Jesus
Christ." Jesus did not have strawberry blonde hair and
blue eyes. He was not Aryan. He was a jew. He was
from the Middle East. He would have had olive skin,
short, course, dark hair, dark eyes, and some kind of scraggy
beard.
I am not an art historian, but I assume this original picture was
done sometime around the 18th or 17th century, almost certainly
by a European. It is profoundly racist, if you ask me. By
this time Jews had suffered tremendously at the hands of
Christian westerners--who blamed them for Christ's murder.
This picture--and many like it--where propaganda that tried
to paint a picture of a less Jewey Jesus--one that looked
more like a pope from Norway and less like what he was,
a homeless, Jewish peace activist who despised war and
materialism.
All the Westword did was apply a few modern cultural
references to an already offensive picture.
Though I should state that these opinions are purely mine
and not that of the Westword. I do not work for the
publication and was only temporarily hired to write this one article.
I'm sure they did not mean to spuriously offend anyone
with this picture.
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Raad Abdulahad 12/29/2010 2:56:00 AM
Mr Josiah M. Hesse:
With all respect , I would like to ask you three questions
* Whats the connection between your essay and the photo on the cover of this issue of WestWord?
* Does this photo stands for Jesus Christ?
* If yes; Is this the image of God in your opinion?
Raad Abdulahad
raad_abdulahad@yahoo.com
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12/28/2010 11:34:00 PM
-Sammyjr, Us 'conservative Christians' are on here because we heard about this horrible Westword cover that is pretty much pure blaspheme and wanted to see why in the world they would do this to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.After reading the story, I still don't understand why they would try to dress up the picture of Jesus like that!
Westword, show a picture of the punk people from Scum church outside of the building or something. Jesus was sinless and would never, ever conform to the culture that we are in. Jesus was holy and scripture calls us to live holy! As long as those at Scum church are living according to scripture (like we ALL should be trying to do daily) then who cares what they, or I look like. But don't disgrace the picture of Christ the Messiah to that mess of a cover! You will have to answer for that one... Pitiful!
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12/28/2010 11:16:00 PM
Jesus IS Christ the Messiah! Philippians 2:10- "At the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father." This will happen to all. Now or later, it will happen!
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RockyPaul 12/28/2010 10:22:00 PM
I'm so damn sick of this. Punk Rock has one rule. There are no rules. I have no idea how this completely illogical ideology has held up, but it seems to have kept punk rock alive as a musical genre/political movement/subculture/whatever else it is after several other similar movements have died off. You don't like someone wearing a cross and a leather jacket? Awesome! You are perfectly entitled to do so. But if yer playing scene police keep your badge and cuffs away from me. I started getting into punk rock because I couldn't hack it with the rules all the cool kids had to be cool. I didn't jump ship on the rule of the majority to be subject to yours.
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sam 12/28/2010 7:45:00 PM
Thats just fuckin dumb. this is the worst idea for ad cover that i've ever seen. not only are you going to have people critize everything about it and everyone is going to have something to say about it. and now you Westword look dumb. this could possibly be the worst move to make.
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ALFMARKS 12/27/2010 7:04:00 PM
I AM SOOOOOO SICK OF SEEING THIS STUPID ARTICLIE ON MY FRONT PAGE OF MY COMPUTER! EVERY SINGLE FRICKEN DAY IT IS ON HERE NOW FOR OVER A WEEK! OTHER THINGS DO NOT GET THIS MUCH PUBLICITY SO WHY THIS? TAKE THIS STUPID ANNOYING THING OFF ALREADY, I'M SO SICK OF SEEING IT AND YET EVERY DAY I OPEN MY BROWER IT IS STILL THERE, UGGGGH CANT WAIT TO OPEN IT AND NOT SEE IT!
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Seeking Suckers 12/27/2010 3:42:00 PM
Why give a shit what these people think? They believe in an Invisible Sky Wizard, which automatically disqualifies them from serous consideration.
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Seeking Suckers 12/27/2010 3:40:00 PM
Wow, another scam trying to brainwash youth into believing a 4000 year old myth that involves an Invisible Sky Wizard magically impregnating a virgin to save humanity....
It doesn't matter if it's wrapped in gospel or punk or R&B: it is bullshit of the highest order. There may be some positive aspects of Xtianity-- helping the poor, etc -- but it has been an incredibly evil and corrosive force in human history and should be abolished as soon as possible,
God does not bless America or you or the dying 2 year old child in Africa. Adding punk rock doesn't make it any more true.
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Josiah M Hesse 12/26/2010 3:50:00 PM
Being that I wrote the article, I would be happy to answer any questions you have. I spent two months researching this article, speaking with dozens of people at Scum, attending services and working in the bike shop. I read Mike Sares autobiography, and have 10 years experience working with alternative youth groups all across the country. Feel free to direct any questions to zag-chronicle@hotmail.com
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Abel 12/26/2010 12:04:00 AM
Anybody who take the bible literally has already shown themselves to be immoral. If there is a case where Christians can be moral it is the case in which they condemn the parts of the bible that say that you should stone a woman for being raped and not crying out loudly enough or the parts in which people justify genocides of entire people's in god's name.
The bible is fucked up. That's just kind of the reality. If you want to claim that you are a moral Christian, you have to start with renouncing some parts of the bible.
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Dan Brown 12/25/2010 11:21:00 PM
You should be more offended at the original picture that the westword took and doctored. It shows Jesus with straight, reddish blonde hair and blue eyes. HE WAS A JEW FROM NAZARETH! He would have curly dark hair and certainly no blue eyes. That picture started out as a racist piece of propaganda to make Jesus look like an Aryan pope. All the Westword did was slap on a few hokey references to a 1977 western sub-culture and to reflect a modern element of society that believes in Jesus's holiness.
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Constatinesconcubine 12/25/2010 4:52:00 AM
So you believe we should adhere to every word of the bible? I think that's great. I wish all Christians felt the way you do. Death to anyone who sews together two separate types of fabric! If your child speaks back to you, kill him! We are living in a three leveled world: the sky is heaven, below the earth is hell. Death to anyone who says otherwise! Anyone who adds to or takes away from the bible shall be put to death! Yes to slavery! Yes to trafficing women as a currency for sex! Holy wars! Genocide! Capitol punishment for anyone who disobeys the ten commandments! Bury your shit under the ground or die! No work on the sabbath (Saturday, not Sunday), this includes any kind of medical practice. Or you shall be stoned to death! . . . All in the bible.
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Busterpoindexter73 12/25/2010 4:40:00 AM
I can't find this article anywhere. All the bins are empty! I went to Twist and Shout and the one outside Wax Trax. :(
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Sammyjr 12/25/2010 2:03:00 AM
I'm wondering why anyone who claims to be a conservative christian is even on this website. It's nothing but tits and weed here!
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Member 12/25/2010 1:31:00 AM
That picture is most likely a work of the Westword.
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Member 12/25/2010 1:30:00 AM
As as church member, I am assuming that the Westword cover art is theirs and not a creation of Scum.
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jmac 12/25/2010 12:12:00 AM
More than anything else, Christmas is about the relinquishing of power: God becoming human. Scum has done a better job of following this model than any other church I’ve been around. I’ve known Mike Sares for ten years: I’ve eaten dinner at his house, and helped his kids with their chemistry homework. Never once has he expressed a political opinion. For all I know he’s not even registered to vote. Scum of the Earth isn’t about power and politics, not even homosexual politics. But apparently in order to get an article about a church published in the Westword, you need to talk about homosexual politics. In some ways, the Westword selling copy with homosexual politics is no different than Focus on the Family selling votes with homosexual politics. There are people at Scum who think homosexuality is a sin. But there are also people at Scum who don’t think it’s a sin. There are people at Scum who are homosexual. I think the real story here is that they’ve beaten those swords into plowshares. Instead of fighting with each other, they listen to each other. Instead of making the cause political, they make the cause personal. When they are cursed, they bless. When they are persecuted, they endure it. When they are slandered, they answer kindly.
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Msuivcf 12/24/2010 11:11:00 PM
I think we are all fools if we assume the media is an accurate source of information. If we actually want to understand and know about Scum of the Earth we should go and experience not just the service but get to know the people. Only then can we know if everything we read in this article is true. Personally I have some questions about how accurate this article is or how well individuals were represented.
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Joe 12/24/2010 9:14:00 PM
Dear Scum of the Earth Church,
Please cease and desist in claiming to be a Christian Church with punk rock ethos. You are disingenuous in your claims. A quick study of any important punk band will reveal that you are, in fact, going against the punk rock ethos you claim to portray. You said it yourself: "Theologically, we're very conservative." That is diametrically opposed to anything punk. You are frauds. You spread your poisonous ideologies with green hair and claim to be doing good. If you think you can claim to be a feminist while simultaneously being anti-choice on the abortion issue, you're dead fucking wrong. When you say that "God's standard for sexual expression lies within the boundaries of heterosexual marriage" and you "believe that while God does make some people gay, it is best that they remain celibate" you are again proving to be just as idiotic as the mainstream mega-churches you try to distance yourself from. In some ways you're worse than typical christians, at least they are forthright with their bigotry. Dogshit is the same whether it comes from a child-raping mega-church pastor or a pseudo-punk fucktard. I'm glad your church can't pass building codes, at least it'll be more difficult for you to peddle your empty, insincere idolatries. That must have been part of god's plan too right? Right.
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Stigma 12/24/2010 8:41:00 PM
Because god is love retard, and even if you continue to "sin" or tread the gray areas of morality every other christ loving mofo is obligated by the bible to forgive you EVERY time. If you have to forgive atheist's, muslims, and scientoligists you're damn skippy you gotta forgive other sects of basically the same religion. Only god can pass judgement, and he'll do it, I'm sure, without help from a little ant like you.
No as far as the bible being clear on LGBT and Abortion, bullshite. The bible is rarely clear on these subjects, as many of them weren't subjects at the time. Not to mention, it's impossible to know which sections of the bible are word of god and which sections are after thoughts thrown in by the author (god didn't scrawl it out himself) so, as always with religion, each of us must interpret the teachings on faith that we'll know what's good and what's evil.
So suck it Wayne, you have no right to tell other sinners what to do just as I have no right to tell you what to do like I'm doing right now.
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Constantine's Concubine 12/24/2010 8:19:00 PM
It is madness to think that Jesus or the bible speaks clearly on any issue. War, sex, money, power, slavery, ethnicity, time, salvation, or gender roles are contradicted not only between books of the bible, but inside a single book itself. The stories documented in the bible are always one or more generation removed from the event itself, written by dozens of uneducated men, and assembled by a bunch of politicians looking to unite Rome and exile Jews. There are dozens of books of the bible not included because they either didn't fit the political agenda, or portrayed Jesus as taking part in a sexual ritual with a young boy (such as the the passage in Mark that was left on the cutting room floor). Those at Scum are thoughtful, well intentioned people that are simply trying to sift through the contradictory muck that is the (man made) Holy Bible. . . . But those are my words, certainly not theirs.
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Laufle 12/24/2010 7:34:00 PM
Very well stated.
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Wayne 12/24/2010 6:16:00 PM
There is nothing about this church that draws me to Christ. Isn't that the reason for the church, to draw others to Christ? We should draw sinners to Christ for repentance and forgiveness, not forgiveness then repentance when we feel like it. I absolutely agree that everyone in any church is a sinner. It is the attitude in our heart toward sin that changes when we have a personal relationship with Christ. Abortion, Promiscuity, LGBT questions are all easily answered in scripture and the heart naturally turns away from them in a loving relationship with Christ. Not a question about it, upon repentance, Jesus says, "You are Forgiven, now go and sin no more!" If this church questions the basics of our Lords teaching, how can they be teaching the Word of God at All?? I am insulted to see the depiction of Jesus that they give, just as I am in what is called art by some with Jesus in a bottle of urine.
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Laufle 12/24/2010 5:53:00 PM
Read the Word. It very, very clearly states that we are to "make disciples", to turn people from their sin, to preach the Word. It very clearly states that homosexuality is sin. It very clearly states that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You cannot defy God's Word. It is the way it is. And yes, some Christians have done some damage, but to generalize about all Christians is wrong. And not every church that claims to be Christian truly cares about the Bible.
Again, I stand on what I said. You cannot pick and choose what parts of the Bible you want to follow and create Christianity. Bottom line.
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Jenna 12/24/2010 5:47:00 PM
you are making a mockery out of Jesus with this picture. who would take this church as a real christian church with that as a picture of Jesus? not i thats for sure. and if westword posted that picture without your consent i would be fighting with them like crazy to get it removed.
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Dyoder 12/24/2010 4:08:00 PM
I forgot baptism. We do that too.
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Dyoder 12/24/2010 3:43:00 PM
I think a more accurate title would be "punk rock gets the Christian treatment at this church," as well as college kids, suburban moms, homeless people, singles, business professionals etc. This church was not founded on punk rock or anarchy, but on the bible as our name describes. I say "our" as a founding member of the church. Before anyone else accuses us of "making up a religion," allow me inform you that we say the Lord's prayer, sing hymns, take communion, read liturgies, recite the apostles creed, observe the church calendar, read from the book of common prayer (and the bible!), and at the end of each service in the morning we hold hands and sing the doxology. Besides that, we have two Denver Seminary professors on our council, our pastor meets with four other Denver church pastors weekly for accountability and preaching insight, and we are under the umbrella of the Alliance for Renewal Church based in Ohio. We have small groups, leadership meetings, prayer groups, classes, mentorship, and worship. As our pastor has said before, "it's just church." The unusual name of the church and style of some of the congregation has proved to be an attention-getter, but than was never the intent
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Dyoder 12/24/2010 3:41:00 PM
I think a more accurate title would be "punk rock gets the Christian treatment at this church," as well as college kids, suburban moms, homeless people, singles, business professionals etc. This church was not founded on punk rock or anarchy, but on the bible as our name describes. I say "our" as a founding member of the church. Before anyone else accuses us of "making up a religion," allow me inform you that we say the Lord's prayer, sing hymns, take communion, read liturgies, recite the apostles creed, observe the church calendar, read from the book of common prayer (and the bible!), and at the end of each service in the morning we hold hands and sing the doxology. Besides that, we have two Denver Seminary professors on our council, our pastor meets with four other Denver church pastors weekly for accountability and preaching insight, and we are under the umbrella of the Alliance for Renewal Church based in Ohio. We have small groups, leadership meetings, prayer groups, classes, mentorship, and worship. As our pastor has said before, "it's just church." The unusual name of the church and style of some of the congregation has proved to be an attention-getter, but than was never the intent.
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12/23/2010 11:36:00 PM
Christianity started as a religion of slaves, and it remains so.
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LilMs 12/23/2010 10:42:00 PM
Where does it detail how to worship in the Bible? Who gets to decide what is "ok" worship and what is not? I wonder how uncomfortable it made everyone when Martha poured her perfume on Jesus' feet. That certainly isn't "normal" worship. In fact, I would consider it a little messy and a little strange. Our biggest role as Christians is to love. Instead too many of us feel our role is to correct everyone into the same doctrine.
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12/23/2010 8:48:00 PM
Laufle, before you say that Scum is "slandering" God or making up their own form of worship, perhaps you should consider attending a service.
While there are things about Scum that aren't "traditional," I think you'd find the services and sermons to be not as different from your own church as you might suspect.
I promise you that Mike Sares and most (I haven't met nearly all of them) of those who go to Scum believe in Jesus Christ with all their hearts. They are as true a Christian as I have ever met.
So, take in a service, either in the morning (smaller and more personable) or the traditional Scum evening service. Then decide whether what someone looks like is really that much of a barrier to their ability to worship God.
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Fran Blomberg 12/23/2010 8:48:00 PM
Please realize Westword posted the picture, not the church.
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Lori 12/23/2010 5:05:00 PM
Really great article. Fair, balanced, deep. I'm a member of Scum, and I'll be sharing this around liberally (pardon the pun)!
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Laufle 12/23/2010 5:04:00 PM
This is not what Christ intended. You cannot go against His Word and say you're a Christian. You cannot post a picture of Christ like this and expect His blessing. You are slandering Him and leading people into sin.
Christianity is a place of peace and rest and fellowship with the Heavenly Father, whom we are to revere and respect and humbly bow down to. We are not to make up our own form of worship and expect to get His approval.
Either you believe the Word is inerrant and fully Truth, or you don't. If you don't why bother with it? Make up your own religion, but don't call it Christianity.
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Kctafoya 12/23/2010 5:02:00 AM
I have always been interested in this church's concept. I support their "left out and right brained" brand of Christianity. Now that they are doing services in my regular church's basement (His Love), I might just visit sometime.
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Joeblow 12/22/2010 11:29:00 PM
The Politicaly correct way of Twas the night before christmas..
‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen – “Now Dasher, now Dancer . . .” et al. – guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiabily. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the form approximated the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadruped of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”
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Patricia Calhoun 12/22/2010 9:28:00 PM
test
