By Noah Hubbell
By Kiernan Maletsky
By Tom Murphy
By Noah Hubbell
By Alex Distefano
By Darryl Smyers
By Jon Solomon
By Britt Chester
Physiologically speaking, a fever in itself cannot kill you; it's only a side effect of the immune system fighting an infection — what may kill you is whatever's causing the fever.
Friends, we have a fever. It's called Bieber Fever — also known in more scientific circles as "The Fieber" — and like other fevers, it can lead to discomfort, a persistent feeling of cold and, in severe cases, delirium. And the symptoms are worsening.
A couple of weeks ago, Justin Bieber made headlines in credible news publications when he got a haircut — even more frighteningly, it was legit news: Bieber's (former) signature bowl-cut is a serious condition that causes millions of tweens to voluntarily look like Davy Jones superimposed on a penis (and when I say Davy Jones, I mean of the Monkees — not the fish-creature from Pirates of the Caribbean, who, notably, also resembles some sort of alien genitalia). On one hand, this could be good news: With any luck, our nation's youth will now follow Bieber's lead and stop looking like penises. But the overall prognosis is overwhelmingly grim.
At the time of the haircut, Bieber said that he would auction his leftover hair for charity — just the idea of auctioning hair clippings is weird enough — and last week, the hair was, as promised, sold. For $40,000. Now, take a moment to reflect and realize that somebody paid forty thousand goddamn dollars for hair clippings. Just based on the sheer amount of money involved here, only one of two scenarios is possible: Either a) a grown adult paid an enormous sum of money for hair clippings, or b) a grown adult paid an enormous sum of money for their child to buy hair clippings — either scenario is much too depressing to think about for more than ten seconds without bursting into tears and weeping until you shrivel up like a raisin made out of meat.
Also, buying hair is just creepy. If I were Justin Bieber, I would be seriously creeped the fuck out.
Or maybe I would have more important things to think about, like having two albums simultaneously in the Billboard top five — currently, Never Say Never — The Remixes (which isn't even a real album) and My World 2.0 (which came out a year ago) occupy the second and fifth spots, respectively. The last artist to occupy two simultaneous slots on Billboard's top five was...let me check, uh...oh, it was fucking Justin Bieber. Last year, My World 2.0 debuted at number one, with My World (his debut record) at number five. It's been speculated that the success of his documentary, Never Say Never, was instrumental in propelling his previous record back up the charts.
Oh, by the way, did you know there's a documentary about Justin Bieber that sold millions upon millions of tickets? Did you know he has a memoir out? Did you know you can actually own a Justin Bieber doll and nail polish? Our temperatures are reaching dangerous levels.
The disease that causes Fieber is not fully understood, but it seems to be kind of like AIDS in that it involves millions of penises and the body's own defenses turning inward upon themselves. Some scientists (and by "some scientists," I mean "me") speculate that the underlying infection is our corrosive lack of anything better to pay attention to than a remix of dance tracks from a movie about a seventeen-year-old who got a haircut.
Whatever it is, it's clear that we are dying inside.