By Bree Davies
By Emerald O'Brien
By Gina Tron
By Jon Solomon
By Drew Ailes
By Courtney Harrell
By Kyra Scrimgeour
George Bush probably hasn't been this disgusted since 2005. In one of the most outrageous occurrences since everybody failed to recognize the truly bang-up job Brownie did in New Orleans, the Obamas went ahead last Wednesday and sullied the name of baseball, hot dogs and the red, white and blue — yea, the very bedrock upon which this country stands — by inviting a truly loathsome individual to "Poetry Night" at the White House. A man who endorses cop killers. A man who once urged people to "burn a Bush." A man who implied that George Bush is a racist, which he is totally not.
Though Bush himself has remained mum on Common's appearance at the White House, a veritable posse of his old cronies has reunited in the ensuing days to denounce Common and all he stands for: Fox News called him "vile." Karl Rove called him "a thug." Sarah Palin proclaimed that the whole thing was an affront to "class and decency and all that is good about America." And they've got some compelling reasons for doing so.
For one thing, Common endorses cop-killing. Well, at least he's been vocal in his support of the cop-killer Mumia Abu-Jamal, a black activist who has been on death row since 1981 for the killing of a Philadelphia police officer. Of course, it would be a lot easier to be convinced that Abu-Jamal had actually been the killer if the police department hadn't botched the evidence and the trial hadn't been such a circus — and then there was that whole thing with Abu-Jamal not being granted his right to represent himself, and.... Wait — so Common's not actually in favor of killing police officers; he's saying Abu-Jamal shouldn't be in prison because he's innocent.
So that can't be right.
But there's some other stuff, too. Like that thing he said about burning a Bush. Except the next lyric is "cause for peace he no push no button." So...well, it sounds like he's actually mad because he's in favor of peace. But that was from some poem from 2007. What they're really outraged about is the incendiary things he said at the White House, things like "I took Grant's advice that Christ is returnin'/Like a thief in the night/I write for beacons of light." Can you believe this guy? It's like he believes in the Bible, which is just...wait, no, we like the Bible. So that can't be it, either.
I guess what we're really mad about is that time he said Bush didn't care about black people, which was just totally uncalled for. And it really hurt, too. "I didn't appreciate it then, I don't appreciate it now," Bush said of the incident. "I resent it, it's not true, and it was one of the most disgusting moments in my presidency."
And that's totally — whoops, that wasn't Common; that was Kanye.
Ha, ha, well it turns out this whole thing was just an elaborate misunderstanding, almost like that romantic comedy Kanye starred in with Queen Latifah — whoops, that was Common! Did it again! Seriously, though, it's a mistake anyone could make. After all, they're both rappers, and they're both...you know. I mean they all pretty much look alike, right?