By Brad Lopez
By Tom Murphy
By Noah Hubbell
By Inkoo Kang
By Dave Herrerra
By Josiah M. Hesse
By Britt Chester
By Noah Hubbell
Nobody files more frivolous lawsuits than Lindsay Lohan. Her legal grounds are fucking weaker than Kreayshawn. That was a battle rap I just made up about Kreayshawn and Lindsay Lohan (conveniently, their names sort of rhyme) acting like a couple of shameful little pussies — but although my skillz are indeed capable of paying billz, what I'm really hoping is that they'll do their own battle rapping.
As every white person knows from watching 8 Mile, the battle rap is a time-honored hip-hop tradition as sacred as saying "Uh, one two" before commencing with a flow, a badge of honor to be earned by a young MC in the pursuit of respect. Like a vision quest or something. But those were more aggressive times.
A couple of weeks ago, Oakland White Girl Mob frontwoman Kreayshawn, who managed a couple of months ago to make everybody chuckle briefly before clawing violently at their own eardrums until "Gucci Gucci" stopped playing in their heads, appeared on a radio show and laid down some truly pitiable freestyle, the lone highlight of which was her calling her opponent "faker than Rick Ross." Which is totally valid. Rick Ross is a former prison guard who named himself after a drug dealer and then tried to deny he was a prison guard, then got sued by the drug dealer that is his namesake because said drug dealer was embarrassed to be associated with him.
But instead of backing up her raps, Kreayshawn went on MTV the following week and basically apologized: "There's no Rick Ross offensive things going on in there, even though it sounds like it," she said, only to appear a week later in a YouTube video with a group of her friends absolutely cracking each other up by speculating how Rick Ross would have sex, because, you know, he's so fat and all.
That's pretty fucking pathetic, Kreayshawn.
But even more pathetic was rapper Pitbull's reaction when he found out he was being sued by Lindsay Lohan for rapping "I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan," who apparently felt that the reference would cause "irreparable harm" to her reputation. No, no, he assured, "When I mentioned Lindsay Lohan in the record, it was really a positive message.... If you're from the neighborhood, if you got it locked up, it means you run that area."
Sigh. Dude, we know what you meant by that. And Lindsay Lohan, for Christ's sake, it's not Pitbull's reference to your being locked up that's causing irreparable harm to your reputation, it's the getting locked up. Besides, you never win those suits anyway.
Really, the only honorable way to respond to this sort of thing is with a battle rap, something none of the players here have embraced. Perhaps even sadder than Pitbull's half-assed apology was the response of Rick Ross, who ran into Kreayshawn at the VMAs and, instead of spitting rhymes, exchanged glares while someone in his entourage talked shit to her manager.
We are truly living in the era of wack MCs.