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Mormons: A shallow yet helpful guide to see if you should hate them or not

Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans — and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

Why do Mormons worship Satan?

They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.

Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.

Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn't what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.

As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.

So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?

No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.

Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower — the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren't regarded for their penmanship.

He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."

He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?

Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress.

Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.

What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?

Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the "Krakow of the Rust Belt," its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier.

With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn't justly rewarded for blowing everyone's money, as bankers so rightfully are today.

In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.

Is that where he went perv?

Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.

The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.

Bonus round: Smith's money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank.

But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.

So the Christians naturally asked themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?" Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their ass to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.

So you don't want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?

No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Illinois. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.

Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim's Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

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506 comments
skyster32
skyster32

This is the most wrong thing that i have read in my whole life. Everything it talks about it out of ignorance and they can't see the truth. I mean honestly if you would actually get some evidence about something go ask a mormon. You have everything completely wrong i mean really?? We do not worship satan at all first off. second if God went to any of the prophets in the bible and also one being moses to split the red sea. Then why can he not come to another person later in history to restore his true church. This might sound crazy to you all but believe it or not Joseph smith was just a simple farm boy wanting to know what church was true. So he did what anyone would do he prayed. simple as that. No we are not perverts. We do not practice polygamy at all and that died right after Brigham young. There has not been polygamy since him. And you can attack our church all you want. But if you are going to criticize my church i would expect that you get some real facts about it. Everything that i just read is a complete lie. No were not racist. That would explain why my bishop is black. hmmmmmmmm that has got to say something. Oh let me think that must mean i also hate a lot of my best freinds for them being mormon also. Lie after lie. We do not believe in having addictions of any kind therefore coffee. we don't drink it because it is addicting and is against the word of wisdom. That does not mean we can't drink it, that is our choice. We choose to follow that. People make me angry making up so much false things about us. There is so much more to our church and everyone in it. Best part is with having the true church we have something called the priesthood. God has trusted us so much he trusts having a 12 year old with it. That means a 12 year old has more authority than the pope himself. fun fact. Now not many people will believe it and will come and make up more things. We have felt with it since our church was started and we will always be mocked until the final day when everyone is judged. And when that day comes people will believe us and our religion.

kayzimmer99
kayzimmer99

Believe it or not Joseph smith was a simple farm boy not a magician finding gold or whatever in the ground. you are putting small truths with big lies i actually found this quit funny as more than half of it is wrong. i am not mormon but a couple of people in my dorm are and i know them as hard working people who never swear, dress badly, and never get drunk. 

ted.vanya
ted.vanya

A Canadian, therefore free of the danger of a mormon president, I thank you for this history lesson. What still make us wonder, how come that  50% of Americans are willing to vote for this Romney fellow? Does it mean that there are 200 million US citizens who are dummies, or, as I like to believe,they only do not care what happens to their country.

Theinbox
Theinbox

Yipes! I hope readers realize how much of this article is tongue-in-cheek! A few grains of truth and lots and LOTS of sarcasm.

Payton_vege
Payton_vege

Amazing write-up! This could aid plenty of people find out more about this particular issue. Are you keen to integrate video clips coupled with these? It would absolutely help out. Your conclusion was spot on and thanks to you; I probably won’t have to describe everything to my pals. I can simply direct them here!

Shade
Shade

BBK! I see the date on this article is over a month old ..... but maybe there is or will be more from Pete? Didn't read this article, but in scanning it, it doesn't sound like the good stuff we got at TCR. But I'm gonna follow this site a while, nonetheless, just to see Pete if nothing else. Checked your yahoo email lately?

John Root
John Root

I've spent a significant number of hours & days studying Mormon culture and doctrine, I've owned material, Pro & Con regarding the Mormons, Including many editions of The Book of Mormon and Pearl of Great Price, spanning 80 years. One thing... interesting to note is how their sacred doctrine keeps being edited...Should anyone wish to gain some insight regarding Mormon history, and read a true story of a tragic fundamentalist Mormon occurance in the early 1980's, obtain a copy of Jon Krakauer's "Under the Banner of Heaven." The story is gtipping, gruesome and true, and is interspersed with a great deal of Mormon history, going back to the early life of its founder, Joseph Smith. What interests me is how institutions evolve; why some sustain and prosper, while others fold, be they business, religion, or both, Mormonism is both, and a whole lot mor e.See More22 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.

MelodyM
MelodyM

Very entertaining with a few facts thrown in for fun, but, Dude, apparently you haven't been to Utah since 2009. Drinks can be had relatively easily, not that it is important. Shallow, yes. Helpful, not so much.

rckchlk
rckchlk

I think those that subscribe to any religion just do not realize how they appear to the rest of us. Whether you believe in Jesus, Muhammed, Joseph Smith, The Great Spaghetti Monster, or Big Foot... I don't see any distinction. I don't think you are insane, or even unintelligent. It is the countless evidence that you are unable to think critically about. Part of believing, it seems, is that you aren't allowed to doubt. It is that principle alone that keeps this completely crazy concept going on and on. Funny article, given that I believe Joseph Smith was either a con artist or a Schizophrenic the accuracy of any "facts" aren't that much of a concern for me.

Katina_foster22
Katina_foster22

this article was a riot soo funny and withe enough factual information to be interesting thanks

Quentin  Jeffers
Quentin Jeffers

All religions are cults and their followers deluded and probably insane. Sorry.

Greendaisy1
Greendaisy1

Can we append the article to include the part about Mormons baptizing Jews who had died in the Holocaust?!

Scottsdalebubbe
Scottsdalebubbe

For those who are offended, Satire Alert! And please notice that the persecutors of LDS, including the government sanctioned persecutors are also a target of this hilarious piece. The beautiful thing about satire is that, by slightly shifting the perspective, the underlying truth of events and individuals comes out.

And whatever the faults, limitations and blind spots of the founders, the prophets and the members have been or are, there are also great positives in LDS. As a non-believer, I couldn't hold still for all the hocus-pocus and group-think. But sometimes I would like to find a place in my world that has such a sense of unity, purpose and community as do the LDS. On the other hand, I prize my ethical autonomy too much to subsume it to any group.

Gordo
Gordo

Hilarious! And mostly historically accurate as well! What I really enjoyed was the part about missionaries in Detroit. That's because I WAS a Mormon missionary in Detroit in 1976 just prior to the revelation about allowing black people to hold the priesthood and we were told specifically NOT to actively proselytize in black neighborhoods.

Cunningham!
Cunningham!

Here's how to buy a shot in SLC: Go to bar, buy shot. Not that hard, really. I hope you found this guide helpful.

Birtmoor
Birtmoor

Sounds about right to me............As all us Christians know "anything is alright as long as we invoke the name of God". Always has been that way and I imagine allways will be. Aren't us homo sapiens the very greatest?????????????bem

LowKey
LowKey

You don't have a problem with the fact that Joseph Smith coerced at14 year old girl to have sex with him by promising her and her family exhaltation?

You don't have a problem with Smith sending men off on missions so he could have sex with their wives while they were gone?

You don't have a problem with Smith having sex with his foster daughters?

You don't have a problem with Smith conning his followers into investing in his bank, him stealing their money, then fleeing the state to avoid going to jail? (He was convicted in abstentia and excommunicated by the Saints who stayed in Kirkland)

Wow.

LowKey
LowKey

Other than the fact that polygamy didn't end in 1890 and that they could get into church using tobacco and alcohol back then (there were spitoons in the temple up until the early 20th century) what did he get wrong?

Paul_Bunyan
Paul_Bunyan

Two clear cut characteristics of a psychological cult:

1. People in them don't know they are in a cult. It's not a surprise the mormon believers are up in arms, but they do not realize their church is a controlling cult. Sad, but unfortunately common.

2. People in them aren't willing (or able) to research the organization independently. Believers commenting below want you to learn the so-called facts from the church itself, when the church is the LAST place you should go to get the facts. Look at LDS.org if you want but DO NOT consider joining this cult until you do considerable independent research from many sources.

If you are already a believer, what good is your belief if you cannot at least understand your own history and defend it? You claim to have a conviction of the truth of your church but you simply make yourself look ridiculously stupid by how ignorant you are of the facts. Why do you fear conducting independent research on your own belief system?

Seriously, your insipid uninformed posts just confirm to readers that mormonism is just as culty as advertised. It would be better for the church if you never posted at all.

FNWK
FNWK

Sorry Adriaenne, that is absolutely the last place you will find the facts. You'll find the version LDS Inc sold you and told you to sell others there.

With a history like the one Mormonism has, the only version that is palatable is the whitewashed one.

FNWK
FNWK

As an Ex-Mormon also raised in UT I would have to agree. Sad you'd have to leave your religion before you get to learn the facts about your religion.

This is why you get the zealous Mormons on here defending this as if it is lies, they actually truly aren't aware of the true history of the religion they've given their lives (plus 10%) to. The things they are vaguely aware like the Mountain Meadows Massacre, 'blacks and the priesthood', and polygamy take incredible mental gymnastics to reconcile while still thinking of themselves as moral people. It is actually sad.

Ric4sail
Ric4sail

Pete Kotz - Your ignorance is only exceeded by your arrogance! Get you history and facts from somewhere besides foolish anti-Mormon old school dribble!

Sierra
Sierra

If their saint is the angel Moroni, why aren't they Morons?

David Olds
David Olds

Entertaining article BUTIt struck me while reading it that a similar article about Islam would be even better!It’s pathetic how magazines like Westword present themselves as daring, radical purveyors of good humor, truth and justice by parodying Christians, and in this case Mormons. But Westwords courageous editors won’t allow similar stories about Islam. Christians have their faults but Islam should be a veritable goldmine of evil, ripe for sarcastic humor, being the most arrogant, humorless, champions of misogyny, bigotry, and intolerance on the planet. If freedom of the press could still exist anywhere in the western world it would have to be in the pages of magazines like Westword. But no… It’s not PC to criticize that particular religion. NO! You would be ostracized by all your liberal comrades and cast into social outer darkness! And besides that… they would KILL YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR COWORKERS AND BURN YOUR BLASPHEMING INFIDEL MAGAZINE TO THE FREAKING GROUND! Christians have the balls to stand up for freedom and against Islamism, why not the brave editors of Westword?

Anonymous
Anonymous

Hahahahahahaha, how pathetic one must be to make up such crap about other peoples religions and pass them off as true.

Martinlutherking
Martinlutherking

This isn't news OR humor, it's blatant bigot propaganda, by someone who can read stories on the internet and assumes everything they read is true by goly, but that never stopped anyone. Did it? You think because you are pretending to be funny that it makes you any better than people who crucified Jesus? Well, it doesn't. You're at least as big a bigot as Jeffress, congrats Pete Kotz you're a douche just like Jeffress. Only thankfully fewer people read what you have to say.

Tracie
Tracie

And we are supposed to laugh at this? If i misrepresented your religion, would you find it funny or something you spread across the internet. Shame on you, really. Im sure Christ, regardless of my faith or yours, would not be finding this very humorous.

Chad Sawdy
Chad Sawdy

I don't really find this funny, or helpful. Shallow? Very. And to the whole written with facts from history and that nonsense. Let me say this: "HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE SIDE THAT WINS." We didn't win that much. We chose to walk away because violence isn't the answer. Another thing, If you actually look at a Book Of Mormon it says right there on the front: ANOTHER Testament Of Jesus Christ, NOT "Rewritten" I ask that you make your choice with what you get from these sites, Mormon.org and LDS.org, then go find some Missionary's and talk to them. Then make your choice.

Longjumper42
Longjumper42

This may be one of the most humorous articles I've ever read.....have a sense of humor people!

Rodney
Rodney

I don't know about the Mormons, but I sure do hate Pete Kotz. This friggin article has been offending the name of journalism long enough. Get rid of it already.

Catbyrd
Catbyrd

I guess we all know what they are smoking in Denver.

Victor Forsythe
Victor Forsythe

Now that Colorado has a direct connection with God, mainly because now most people can burn their own Bush and talk directly to God, which I think is also primarily responsible for the Occupy Denver movement. The use of Indica strains of Cannabis often makes people paranoid. In this case about all the big container ships going back empty to China, the reasons that taxpayers are funding the main cash crop in Afghanistan and what are we doing entrusting all our money to a bank that has never been audited and seems to be printing Trillions out of thin air?This has also led to another crisis in the state: the lack of virgins! At this point, with marijuana making people horny as hell, I doubt if there are 72 virgins in the whole state over 10 years old! It would be better for Mormons and those of other religions seeking large amounts of virgins to go back to Utah or whatever screwed up desert wasteland with weird religions go back to where they come from as they will probably have better luck there.

Bluerooster29
Bluerooster29

Ain't it great that we have freedom of religion in this country. You can believe whatever you want. And for the most part, we believe almost anything. I have this discussion often with the young "missionaries" that come to my door. I tell them that if they were born in Mecca, we'd be talking about Mohammed, or if they were born in Calcutta, we'd be talking about Krishna. Their eyes become glazed at the thought, as they hand me their literature.I say good for everyone that has found "religion". Now if only we could get everyone to realize the earth is only 5400 years old. And before that, well, ugh... I'll be back in a minute...

cwalden798
cwalden798

So god came to Joseph smith to restore the "true church" (vomit) but it took over a hundred years for god to say "oh and by the way I forgot to mention to you before black people can get into heaven" this all happening right after the civil rights movement in america. Another convenient revelation just in time to try and save face for their pathetic church. Mormons really are profoundly stupid.

BooKat
BooKat

So this is where Kotz ended up?

Redwestie
Redwestie

Yes, atheism is the better delusion.

David Olds
David Olds

If its old school so am I. I was raised Mormon in the 50s and 60s. What he says is correct. It's just that the Church is evolving in an attempt and look more Christian and get more converts. But as long as it claims Jesus wasn't God and salvation by works it will be an aberation of christianity - a Christian cult. Nice folks in the main though.

Aurelio
Aurelio

You speak like one of the Mormon kooks who killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre.

chester_drawers
chester_drawers

So mormons should attack and kill those who speak ill of it.. is that right?

LowKey
LowKey

He isn't misrepresenting your religion, he is taking bits of it and making fun of them. He didn't make up the fact that Joseph Smith had sex with the children of his followers, some as you as 14. He didn't make up the fact that Smith had sex with with several of his servant girls. He didn't make up the fact that Smith had sex with his foster daughters (and stole their inheritance) He didn't make up the fact that Smith sent men away on missions so he could have sex with their wives while they were away. He just called this behaviour by a modern term - orgies. Technically incorrect, but religious leaders abusing their authrity to have sex with teenagers just isnt humourous.

Isaac Miller
Isaac Miller

So, if I write and shoot a movie called "ANOTHER Casablanca," it should be regarded as an update/improvement on the original?

Christian
Christian

No thanks Chad. And because this is just a brief summary of the mass amounts of folly that went on ; wife stealing and kidnapping caused Joseph Smith to be killed and the followers had to leave in the middle of the night and begin their travel across country. Merciful that they survived. The whole Jesus and Satan are brothers; God lived in Independence Mo. and that's where the real garden of Eden was and will be God's dwelling place again etc.God was once half man and half mule or some such and lived among people. And we don't, and you don't know what goes on in private ceremonies. I shudder to think of dipping further into it. Plus a family with teenagers who don't believe anything is sin and as long as you go to the temple you can do anything and there is no hell - reeked havoc on my family. I have one question - what did you do with Eldridge Cleaver?PBS has a great documentary on them - kind in tone- but more spilling of the facts from which I got some of mine. My opinion was sealed when I had to deal with them. It's not totally their fault - the children - but after 18 yrs I left the Catholic Church - they can leave Mormonism - it's what I would expect of reasonable consciences.

Jim Tocco
Jim Tocco

You must be new to the Internet. What news organization takes down stories, especially popular ones, after five days?

shannie
shannie

I don't know...But it seems weird, and cold here...Are people staring at us?

Jcdvmiller
Jcdvmiller

Go ahead and continue to let others fill you head with bullcrap and lies....what a miserable little life! Next time try to put some effort in on your part to find out the facts and decide for yourself instead of recyling the stuff you heard from your idiot preacher.

Christian
Christian

By the way - I thought it was very funny. Good writer.

 
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