Nickelback will ruin the Detroit Lions' otherwise miraculous year

Ah, Thanksgiving, when we gather together to give thanks for that handful of well-meaning but unbelievably misguided Native Americans who fed our ancestors through the harsh winter so that our ancestors could later slaughter them and destroy their culture by engaging in the traditional gluttonous excess for which they paved the way. And as our bloated eyes gently close in front of the football game and the farting of our fat uncles rocks us into a slumber from which we will later awaken and eat turkey sandwiches with mayonnaise and salt — nature's greatest food — and then drive home only a little drunk, we will have so much more to be thankful for. Like turkey sandwiches with mayonnaise and salt, for example, and our proud American way.

But mostly, we can be really thankful we're not Detroit.

Punched in the face by life with astonishing frequency, Detroit has, since the 1970s, seen its population decline by nearly half, its property values get decimated, its unemployment rate rise (by some estimates) to nearly 50 percent. Even its weather is shit. Even its sports teams suck — except, this year, by some Christmas miracle, the Lions.

Indeed, it's been a banner year for the Lions: They're going into their traditional Thanksgiving Day game — a game they've traditionally lost — an impressive six and two, with a good chance of winning. There's just one major downside: The halftime band is Nickelback.

It's pretty sad, really, to see Detroit's one desperate moment in the sun ruined by what's commonly known as the worst band in the world, and Detroit is understandably pissed about it. Earlier this month, Lions fan Dennis Guttman began circulating an online petition to kick Nickelback off the ticket that as of this writing had garnered more than 50,000 signatures. "Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they chose Nickelback?!?" Guttman wrote, and while I normally find more than one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence excessive, in this case I'd say it's justified. Shit, even Detroit's worst band — Insane Clown Posse — is at least mildly amusing in its retarded earnestness. (That's right: Nickelback's awful "When We Stand Together" finally gave "Miracles" a song to be better than.)

For Nickelback's part, interestingly, frontdouche Chad Kroeger — in a weirdly implied acknowledgment that his band sucks — took aim at sucky bands similar to ICP in the pursuit of making his band seem comparatively somewhat better. "I think we can all pick out a Slipknot fan," he told MTV in response to his many detractors, "but it's tough to pick out a Nickelback fan, because they're all so different." Which may be true — there probably are a wide variety of people who like music for people who don't like music. But if there's one thing you can say for Motown, it's that it's a city with generally excellent taste in music.

And so I feel — I really do — for all the Lions fans loyal enough to come to the game, because they'll be rewarded for their loyalty with punishment. At least the rest of the country, as Guttman observes, can just mute the TV. And that's something to be thankful for.

 
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12 comments
pfftwhatev
pfftwhatev

Nickleback sucks, everyone knows it. Their songs are for empty headed turbo douches who are only interested in trying to score with their fan base consisting of 300 pound chicks lacking any recognizable measure of self esteem at the concert. In short, they are just terrible. Now, I didn't say that they were the worst band in the world...

Jef Otte
Jef Otte

Man, I get a lot of psychotic comments on this column, but this is the best I've seen in a while.

Craignaughty
Craignaughty

I know it's not the focus of the article, but Detroit has been fortunate to have the Red Wings, perennial winners for quite some time now, and didn't the Tigers just come off a great year?BTW, "worst band in the world"? Really? Perhaps "of the bands that has achieved great success, the one which I least like" might be more appropriate. I am not a fan. At best I'm indifferent to their music, and certainly agree that Detroit (what is left of it) is a really cool music city with a storied history. This is not the band that I would want to hear if I was at the game, but you sound pretty desperate to gain indie cred from your readers in this piece. I'd have to guess you are still pretty young.

Margaret 'Maggie Mae' Short
Margaret 'Maggie Mae' Short

Seriously? Worst band? I am proud to say I"m a Nickelback fan, watched the first half of the game just to make sure i didn't miss my favorite Canadians and will now be turning it off it go listen to their new cd which i Have in rotation with the new Disturbed and Evanescence. Yes some of their "radio ready" songs are a bit light and frankly not my faves but the majority of their songs kick *tush* but as Chad said last time I saw them, "We would play the hard stuff all night but then the pit turns into a sausage fest and that ain't too fun for us" LOL. in other words, the ballad/pop schmaltz is designed as bait for the airhead bimbos who don't know how to rock. ;) Oh nickelback's response to the hubbub:

http://www.funnyordie.com/vide...

eCurmudgeon
eCurmudgeon

Nickelback's Canadian, right? Can't we just get the State Department or Homeland Security to have them declared personas non grata and keep them out of the country for good?

Anita Weber
Anita Weber

The Lions are 7 – 3, not 6 – 2. Seriously - how hard would it have been to fact check that? And did you say its sport teams suck? I just watched the Tigers in the ALCS and their ace win the triple crown, Cy Young, and MVP. The Red Wings have been in the playoffs every year since the Lincoln administration, seems like the Pistons were there not too terribly long ago… Your economic account describes just about every major city in the country right now including Denver…

I guess that’s one downside of the internet – even hacks have a voice.

Joensm20
Joensm20

YOU PILE OF $HIT!! Our teams don't suck! We were just voted Best Sports City by The Sporting News. The Red Wings have made it to a record (IN ANY SPORT) 21 straight years to the playoffs. The Tigers just went to the ALCS and our pitcher just won the Cy Young and League MVP. Both our major colleges (UofM and Michigan State) are great in a number of sports. The Lions have always stunk....but that's the ONLY team....and yes, they're finally having a good year.

 
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