By Noah Hubbell
By Kiernan Maletsky
By Tom Murphy
By Noah Hubbell
By Alex Distefano
By Darryl Smyers
By Jon Solomon
By Britt Chester
In spite of his being just a wee tiny baby, my nine-month-old son has some surprisingly powerful pinchy-claws. In fact, combined with his baby fingernails, which are honed into needle-sharp points like tiny knives, it can hurt quite a bit when he grabs at you.
Nevertheless, my girlfriend and I do not complain when that happens. We do not say "Ouch." Because complaining about getting hurt by a tiny baby would be shameful. Only a little bitch gets hurt by a baby. That's pretty much how I feel about the hapless paparazzo who ended up in the hospital after getting into a scuffle with Justin Bieber at a mall last week.
Evidently, the Biebs and lady-friend Selena Gomez were on their way out of a movie theater when said paparazzo started snapping pictures, allegedly blocking their path in the process, as paparazzi are wont to do. It's not clear what happened next, but allegedly, the Biebs possibly pushed or hit the photographer, who called 911. By the time the police showed up, Bieber and Gomez were gone, but the paparazzo went ahead and pressed charges for misdemeanor assault and, complaining of "chest pains," was transported via ambulance to a nearby hospital, where he was treated and released.
The legal question now is, did the Biebs act in self-defense?
The practical question, however, is lolwut?
Ladies and gentlemen of the who-gives-a-shit peanut gallery, let us examine the evidence. Exhibit A: Justin Bieber is a heartland-wholesome, Jesus-loving virginal teen heartthrob whose personal appearance falls somewhere between Tweety Bird and Cool as Ice-era Vanilla Ice. Four days before the alleged smackdown took place, he appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to symbolically graduate from high school wearing a gown and cap custom-made to not mess up his hair. Plus, he's Canadian.
Conclusion: Justin Bieber could not possibly be less threatening if he was a nine-month-old adorable little baby. It's like a very special Sunday edition of Garfield in which Odie gets terminal cancer. On an elemental level, it just doesn't add up.
Of course, it's clear enough what this is all about, because comprehensibility has never been a requirement of American justice. If there's one thing we can rely on the courts for, it's a system of reasoning completely divorced from that of normal folks — and indeed, regardless of the actual logic at play in this situation and the gajillion more important things they could most likely be working on, the good detectives of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department "would like to talk to all potential witnesses," LASD Captain Mike Parker told the Los Angeles Times. Anyone who has any information on this deadly serious fucking investigation, by the way, is encouraged to call the Crime Stoppers hotline.
Look, I can understand milking a bullshit celebrity altercation for ill-gotten lawsuit bucks. The question is, at what price? Your very dignity?