By Drew Ailes
By Courtney Harrell
By Kyra Scrimgeour
By Jena Ardell
By Mary Willson
By Bree Davies
By Tom Murphy
By Tom Murphy
The 1997 Detroit Red Wings post-season was an awesome thing to behold for a fifteen-year-old in West Michigan. That's when the Wings shut out the loathsome Anaheim Mighty Ducks — a hockey team named for a Disney movie about a fictional hockey team led by Emilio Estevez — and ended up taking home the Stanley Cup, which was probably the last decent thing that happened to Detroit...well, except for when they won it again the next year. Still, despite victory after glorious victory, none of those things was the greatest thing about that great NHL season. It wasn't even when the Wings and the Avalanche got in pretty much the greatest hockey brawl of all time in the next series, when the blood flowed so freely it turned the ice a ghastly shade of pink.
So the greatest moment of that season? Hands down, it came at the beginning of game three of the conference semi-finals, when Xena the Warrior Princess busted out of her bra during a rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner." We're not talking about some half-a-second-lasting Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction." Nay. On this magical eve, Xena's whole boob fell out and just chilled there for at least five to seven seconds while she held the high note and Hockey Nation looked on in shock and awe and subsequently found itself sporting a woodrow that lasted roughly six weeks (okay, maybe that was just me). Regardless, gentlemen, the point is, America was the winner.
But let's face it: That's basically the only winning thing having to do with "The Star Spangled Banner," which everyone knows more or less sucks as a national anthem. Sure, it's been sort of funny over the years to watch various people like Christina Aguilera and Steven Tyler mangle it at sporting events, but Xena's really the only one who's ever made a spectacle of it in a good way. And when was the last time you sang the song and gave a shit about it instead of thinking something like, "'Spangled'? What kind of word is that?" It's obvious that America, the greatest nation ever to exist in the history of ever, needs the greatest national anthem, and "The Star Spangled Banner" isn't even close to cutting it.
Both 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair seem to agree. Taking a proactive approach to the problem last week, they asked: If a replacement national anthem were to be composed, who should compose it? In response, 22 percent of America was completely right in answering with the only possible right answer: Bruce Springsteen. Nineteen percent suggested Dolly Parton, and 18 percent called for Stevie Wonder, but that percentage of America was dead wrong. The Boss is the fucking Boss. There can be no other.
The day we recognize that, friends, is a day even greater than the day we saw Xena's breast assets.