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Dear Mexican: I need a Mexican girlfriend

Special shout-out to: Metropolitan State College of Denver (soon to be Metropolitan State University of Denver), which lowered tuition rates for undocumented students who have lived in Colorado for much of their lives after the Colorado Legislature refused to pass a bill that would've done the same. I had the honor of speaking at Metro State in 2010 as part of its Richard T. Castro Distinguished Visiting Professorship, and it's awesome to see the university continue in the path of the best Chicano activist that the rest of the country has never heard of. Metro State — denle gas!

Dear Mexican: In anticipation of the upcoming Reconquista, I've decided that I need a Mexican girlfriend. I feel this will help me fit in better with our new Mexican overlords. However, Mexican ladies must be approached with particular regard to culture and customs, and that raises many questions.

A well-known example of Mexican womanhood is Consuelo Velázquez, who wrote "Bésame Mucho" when she was sixteen but never actually got kissed until she was 25. Clearly the Mexican girl is a shy, delicate, retiring flower who must be approached with restraint and tenderness. Also, there is the tradition of the dueña

, or chaperone, the female relative or friend who accompanies the girl during her encounters with her boyfriend. As I understand it, the dueña joins the girl in her room at her father's hacienda as the girl talks to her mounted caballero amoroso through the bars that cover her window. Surely this is an accurate description of modern Mexican courtship.

On the other hand, Mexican girls are spicy señoritas who dance for coins on the tables of cantinas and tempt men into sin with low-cut peasant blouses worn off the shoulder. Furthermore, when I was growing up, I heard rumors of something called a Mexican Donkey Show, which somehow combined Mexicans and donkeys in ways that were never clearly explained but which seemed ripe with possibility to my eagerly inquiring adolescent mind. In addition, it is well known that all Mexican girls carry razor blades for the purpose of defending their honor. Whether they are defending their honor against males of the hot-blooded Mexican type or of the coldly calculating Anglo type depends on who's telling the story and isn't important. What matters are la mexicana's warrior traditions and her choice of weapon.

So my intended is a young woman of virginal sluttiness, a murderously helpless naif of worldly experience who must be treated with respect and discretion to avoid bruising her tender sensibilities, and also to prevent her from cutting off my balls.

My plan is to lull her into lowering her guard by inviting her to the local symphony when they've scheduled an all-Manuel Ponce night, take her out afterward and get her drunk on tequila, steal her razor blade and declare my undying love. This will work, because it is every girl's dream of romance to be drunk, defenseless and at the mercy of an amorous foreigner who doesn't speak her language.

Unfortunately, even the best-laid plans may be undone by insufficient attention to detail, and in intercultural relationships such as this one, it is especially important not to violate the norms of Mexican courtship. Therefore, my question is this: Will the girl's family supply the chaperone, or do I need to rent one for the occasion?

Frito Bandito (Cockney Rhyming Slang for "Amorcito Solito")

Dear Limey: Your summation of the stereotypes surrounding Mexican mujeres? To quote your people, effin' bloody brilliant, luv! Wish that the dueña system was still around, though; nowadays, all you need is Juanes on your iTunes, and a Mexican woman's chonis melt off faster than ice cream on asphalt.

 
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