"Disagreements are dealt with by ranting, raving and pouting until the ladies realize I was right all along," says Reggie. "Just kidding. They are dealt with like any other relationship, except there are more people involved. I tend to be the kind of person who holds a lot of frustrations inside until it all boils over, and then we sit down, maybe yell a bit, and finally discuss and negotiate like adults until the issue has been resolved."
"Personally, I think it's important in poly to have a structure, know who's in charge," Cassidy says, and she and Reggie have worked one out by engaging in what they call a "power exchange." Best described as a BDSM, master/slave dynamic, Cassidy has negotiated a structured submission to Reggie. He takes the responsibility of making major decisions so Cassidy is free to focus her energy on the tasks assigned by him.
It may sound oppressive, but it's what they both want. "It seems to help with conflict resolution as well as decision making," says Cassidy. "It adds a level of responsibility, but it works well as long as the communication is good. Trust and respect are the keys."
A power-exchange relationship is not Eeza's thing, however. She prefers a more loosely based understanding of each person's role in the relationship. "As with many marriages, we tried many things," she points out. "I found out that I was not into the BDSM sex or the submissive side of it. I wanted to be top dog, but you can't have two top dogs."
And although threesomes are a common male fantasy, the reality in poly relationships doesn't always play out that way — as Reggie discovered early on.
"The two women in our group don't have sex with each other, although we do sleep in the same bed," says Cassidy. "It just didn't turn out to be something we wanted. We each have private time with Reggie, and there is no problem with having sex while the other is around."
Reggie adds, "In the beginning of the relationship, we did briefly explore a threesome sexual relationship, but the ladies decided it just wasn't what they wanted. We do all sleep in the same bed every night, although we also have a schedule in place where each of the ladies has one-on-one time with me several times a week. I am fortunate enough that being affectionate or even sexual with one of them in the presence of the other is not usually an issue."
Their living situation did prove to be helpful in many other ways, though, especially when it comes to their family income, responsibilities and goals.
Shortly after getting together, the trio started a small business, Poly's Pleasures Chainmail. Using updated fourteenth-century technology, they hand-create jewelry, halter tops, bikinis, skirts, panties and even kilts out of chain mail. They've sold their pieces to stores and travel to trade shows nationwide.
At the same time they started Poly's Pleasures, Reggie and Cassidy began writing erotic fiction together. "As a part of our power-exchange relationship, we discussed many things, including Cassidy's life goals, one of which was to become a published author," Reggie says. "So I helped her achieve that goal by setting her daily assignments and helping her plot the book, and I wrote the sex scenes for her."
A year and a half later, they finished the manuscript, Becoming Sage, a BDSM coming-out story that is partly based on Cassidy's own experiences; using the pen name Kasi Alexander, she and Reggie wrote a second novel as well, called Saving Sunni. They have also written four other books under different names. "We vended at the very first RomCon in Denver, and we were off to the races," Reggie says. The trio now travels to conventions nationwide to present the books.
Eeza is also working on two manuscripts — paranormal romance stories — but she hasn't been published yet. "I help her when she needs it, but she is very independent," Reggie says. "We are hoping she will be able to get at least one of them out later this year."
**********
In addition to writing, the group also does a lot of talking. In particular, they spend time explaining their lifestyle to family and friends, associates and acquaintances — mostly trying to educate them about what poly isn't (a no-holds-barred, free-for all naked orgy) along with what it is (a committed relationship, like any other).
"Swingers have sex, poly people have conversations — lots and lots of conversations," Reggie says. "To me, they are related but different subsets of the alternative-lifestyle arena."
For Reggie and Eeza, those conversations began with their two grown daughters.
"We have always been very open with our children, answering their questions when they had them and such," says Reggie. "So when we decided to give poly a chance, we sat them down and explained what we were doing so they wouldn't think anything underhanded was going on.
"Our youngest daughter was mostly okay with the situation from the beginning," he continues, "with only a few instances of being upset at me for thinking I was doing something wrong. Our oldest daughter, on the other hand, was not happy about the situation in the beginning. As time went on and she saw that our marriage didn't end and that her mother wasn't being taken advantage of, she came to understand that it was the right thing for us to do, and she usually doesn't resent me for it anymore."
@jenna-furrr, you probably wish you had a relationship period, but since you think you know so much more than most, you probably can't find anyone willing to put up with your mouth. And you probably resemble those gals physically & have a huge chip on your shoulder to boot.
I'm all for polyamourous relationships, I'd like a couple of physically fit 20 yr olds to start with, thank you.....;p
@jenna-furrr, you probably wish you had a relationship period, but since you think you know so much more than most, you probably can't find anyone willing to put up with your mouth. And you probably resemble those gals physically & have a huge chip on your shoulder to boot.
I'm all for polyamourous relationships, I'd like a couple of physically fit 20 yr olds to start with, thank you.....;p
@jenna-furrr, you probably wish you had a relationship period, but since you think you know so much more than most, you probably can't find anyone willing to put up with your mouth. And you probably resemble those gals physically & have a huge chip on your shoulder to boot.
I'm all for polyamourous relationships, I'd like a couple of physically fit 20 yr olds to start with, thank you.....;p
@jenna-furrr, you probably wish you had a relationship period, but since you think you know so much more than most, you probably can't find anyone willing to put up with your mouth. And you probably resemble those gals physically & have a huge chip on your shoulder to boot.
I'm all for polyamourous relationships, I'd like a couple of physically fit 20 yr olds to start with, thank you.....;p
I prefer the 'Not enough time for a relationship', 2 - 6 dates per month, kind of woman . I have ya beat there buddy ....
There's no point in arguing that monogamy or polyamory is better or
more correct than the other - what works for me won't for you. Different
strokes for different folks, as they say.
The poly lifestyle is
not for everyone. Some people are monogamous, some
aren't. If it's not for you, great, more power to you, but judging
others for their lifestyle choice is petty and immature. If you wouldn't
judge a person on their orientation, skin color, or religion, don't
judge them on their love life.
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After 15 years of marriage, my wife and I unexpectedly found ourselves with an opportunity to have another woman join us as a polyfidelitous triad. We had a great relationship (while it lasted). The benefits were numerous and the experience of having two loving partners was unbelievable. Unlike the family in this story, our relationship was even all the way around (each of us loved the other two similarly.)
But make no mistake, it's very tricky ground to navigate. With only 3 people, there are now 4 relationships to nurture instead of 1 (the 3 pairs and 1 triad). Ultimately, jealousy ended our relationship, but with the right people it can work out splendidly and I think it's a much better arrangement than a traditional couple. There are more people like us out there than you might imagine!
@Griff2 Thank you for the positive--and realistic--comment. Jealousy is a real bitch, for sure, and has ended a few of my poly relationships in the past as well. I had to learn a slew of good lessons from those relationships, and one of the most significant ones is that communication is crucial. I have learned that it's impossible for me to effectively control the behaviors of others---as much as I'd like to at times...lol--and when I stopped viewing my partners as my property, poly got simpler and easier for me.
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@Juan_Leg Eeza and Cassidy are many things, but stupid and desperate?--not even a little bit.
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Don't get it and quite frankly, glad to keep it that way. By the looks of things, I suspect their grocery bills are a bit prohibitive.
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@maxplanck0 Something about glass houses and throwing rocks comes to mind here, sir.
@Deborah Watts Right?--in my fantasies I would have more menfolk around so that someone would take the trash out before it overflows....lol
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@lezlijo Seriously. Sounds like someone has time to volunteer at the animal shelter or something instead of racking up the love interests.
@lezlijo For some, yes, but I would counter your point by saying that many mono couples who aren't getting their needs met in their relationships tend to get them met elsewhere without consent, honesty or communication, which to me sounds far more selfish.
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I condone relationships of most natures between or among consenting adults, but when it comes to poly I just don't know where people find the candidates or the TIME. I have calculated for my own life that there is maybe one viable prospect every three years, so the idea of having more than one prospect at a time just blows my mind right up. I also am suspicious about the "his and hers and hers" makeup of most of the poly relationships I've been made aware of, as though sharing a mate is most often a relegation of females.
Also: There is an absolutely insufferable arrogance to every poly person I have ever met (mostly men who think that because I am a little eccentric I want to be someone's third/fifth/whatever-the-fuck wheel). It's always T-minus five seconds before they're trotting out anthro 101 rhetoric about how "humans aren't meant to be monogamous." I am often approached having not given any indication that I am amenable to an "alternate" lifestyle because of the presumption that I'm either into it or simply not as romantically evolved as they are.
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@thewreckingbelle
Hi! I saw your comment and felt moved to respond, in part because I felt that the other commentary/interactions you got was really not representative of the poly population that I inhabit. It sounds like you've encountered some d-bags, and that really sucks. It also sounds like poly really isn't what you're into, and I hope that future encounters of the non-monogamous kind are a little less pushy. Pretty big on personal boundaries over here myself, and I find that sort of behavior from others to be really irritating at a minimum.
Time-related matters and scheduling can be a sticking point, in my experience, but I swear that with regular communication, it's manageable. :) I love my partners, but there are still a finite number of hours in the day, places I can be at once and dollars in my bank account, so I feel you there. This is part of the reason why I am firmly in the "poly is not for everyone" camp, and am happy to respect the choices of others to do what suits them.
To expand on your mention of the gender dynamic, I'm a pansexual woman with two male partners, who are also free to have partners of their own, of whatever gender(s) they fancy. The "one dude plus a harem" perception is probably one of the more visible poly stereotypes, but I've never done that dynamic in the 7ish years I've been at this. I've seen it, and seen it done in a fashion that seems to make everyone involved happy, but as with every other type of dynamic, I've also seen it make a mess. The author of this article actually has another one that actually addresses in part that perception regarding male-centric relationships; I wandered over there after I read this. It's here, if you're so inclined: %s
Aside: That little story about the lions was cool, @freetofear , but completely irrelevant. As was your amazingly ignorant assessment of MFM+ relationships like mine, which you've obviously never been anywhere near. My dudes are both straight, and friends who can spend time together without me and have fun; the worst rivalry I've seen out of my partners is at board games. "A dangerous competition"......does not compute, sorry. If we didn't get along, why would we be together?
@Bahlii This is actually the first mention I've hard of ren faire folks being particularly drawn to poly relationships--and here I thought I'd heard all the stereotypes. : ) If there is an Arrogant Poly drinking game, then is there a similar Mono Privileged drinking game? : )
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http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2013/02/done--five_pervasive_myths_abo.php
There's the article link, it didn't get through apparently.
@BahliiHere is the poly myths list: http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2013/02/done--five_pervasive_myths_abo.php
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It sounds to me that you are quite bitter, therefor it makes sense that you are having trouble. Without even knowing it you are probably sending out conflicting signals.
No offense but was there a point to your rant? I could not grasp it, just seemed to be the rantings of an upset bi-curious/poly-curious woman who isnt currently satisfied by anyone. 1 prospect every 3 years? Are you having trouble staying with one person for any amount of time?
I am in a poly relationship and have been for years, Im sexy, and younger, not an "off-season renaissance faire type" I agree many 3way relationships are not attractive, and yes when me and my woman were looking there were quite a few manly dikes who wanted a piece of her and not me. So that much I do understand.
I suppose the luck I have is that I can see through people like water so it was easy to find us a 3rd, just had to look for that cute, young, bi-curious girl to show herself and then I made it happen.
The reason for the man woman woman makeup of most poly relationships, instead of man woman man is simple. Lions may have many females but if a male comes around, even a family member, someone dies. Most MWW relationships have a very alpha male at the top, the only way another male would work is if both the alpha and the other male were bi-sexual which would create a "need" or attraction. Anything short of that and it becomes a dangerous competition. I dont know any other poly's and frankly I dont even say poly or designate us as such.
Good luck finding your niche.
@freetofear @thewreckingbelle nice homophobia and heterocentrism. no it isnt the case that most poly re's are mff. there are all kinds of different sorts. also look up alpha males in relation to wolves. not only are scientists now in agreement that the whole notion is garbage as it pertains to wolves, your application is a classic bs psuedoscience bit of (evpsych) gender essentialist garbage. but thanks for playing the game. also its spelled dykes and if you mean butches or studs- masculine queer women- you can say just that.
@freetofear @thewreckingbelle Do these ren faire types you speak of look different in the off-season than they do in the on-season?
@jenna-furrr @freetofear @thewreckingbelle Well they're less costumed and cockney but the general cheesiness is year-round.
@freetofear @thewreckingbelle The "it sounds to me like you are quite bitter" sour-grapes explanation is exactly the kind of arrogance I'm talking about. The Poly can't CONCEIVE of any objections to their perfectly evolved lifestyle unless objector is bitter and "having trouble."
The points to my rant were basically that to me, poly lifestyle has always represented a lowering of standards, since in my experience, there are few people worthy of romantic love.
Your description of the experience of "finding a third" actually makes me think what you have is an open relationship, not necessarily a polyamorous one. (Consult Dan Savage for distinction.)
Since you pretended not to understand "the point of my rant" I will also reiterate my wariness that so many poly relationships have a male-centric constitution. I can't help but wonder if the women are content to be a side dish, to sacrifice being the one apple of a person's eye, because of some defect of self-esteem, which is certainly more a female issue in our culture.
Lucky me, I'd be wasted if I were playing the Poly Arrogance drinking game right now: Take a shot every time they (1)accuse you of being bitter/uninformed/close-minded (2) bring up "nature" or (3) mixed up their own lifestyle with another alternative lifestyle or (4) are sexually unappealing to the monogamous majority.
@thewreckingbelle @freetofear Ouch. You do sound rather bitterman. I have had my share of poly relationships that didn't work out, but I refuse to blame this on broad, sweeping generalities, preferring rather to take each on a case-by-case basis. Now, I will partially agree with your assertion that there are unfortunately some poly relationships out there that are male-led, often with M/s power exchanges, and some women who are unhappy with being in a hierarchical structure that isn't skewed in their favors. But they choose this. And they can choose to leave at any time when their needs aren't being met. And it's not a female issue--I've seen plenty of men who submit to female-led power exchange/poly relationships as well.
There is a lid for every pot. And there is nothing stopping you from having whatever type of relationship you wish--except you.
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@thewreckingbellelle
Im not arrogant its actually quite clear you are bitter. I didnt say that because i "cant conceive of any objections to their perfectly." blah blah blah.
I said it because you do clearly sound bitter. You took it as an attack and in fact it was an observation. I did assume you were unattractive as you only "have a prospect every 3 years or so." and because you are clearly ALONE. I dont have to go looking for a "prospect" every 3 years, I have long term relationships because I am not bitter and Im great to be around. Ive been with the same woman for almost 14 years, the other for 4. Im very romantic and actually I have to go now because we are having a pleasant evening together starting now. I cant waste any more of my time explaining anything to you. You have made up your mind, like a man saying every woman who isnt attracted to him must be a lesbian.... You have excuses for everything but just look around you, You are alone on valentines day and ranting against people in love. Good luck with that whole dying alone thing, Im sure it will be FUN!
I will not read nor reply.
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I guess I'll also be the asshole on record to say that in my completely anecdotal and otherwise unsubstantiated experience, I've never been tempted by um, a "classically attractive" poly. It's most often off-season Renaissance Faire types.
@thewreckingbelle Usually I'm the asshole on record, but I'll gladly let you claim that title today. : ) I will disagree, however. I dunno where you are meeting poly folks, but they come in all flavors.
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