Ask a Stoner: How can I pass my drug test?

Dear Stoner: I've never tried marijuana, but lately my pot-smoking brother-in-law has been hanging out at our house with his stash, and I've been thinking of taking a toke or two with him. Any pointers for my first time?

Newby Nate

Dear Nate: While I'm sure your brother-in-law would love to show you the most potent, dankest buds he has, ask him if he's got anything mid-strength for your first time. Also, try to avoid strong sativas, as they tend to be more anxiety-producing than indicas can be. At the absolute worst, you'll get slightly too high and a little paranoid for a few minutes. Don't worry, it will pass. And if it happens, at least you'll know cannabis smoking is not for you.

But that's probably not going to be the case. Still, take it easy your first time — maybe two or three hits at most to see how it affects you. If you're starting to dig it, then have a few more hits and crank some Zeppelin or some Marley. Sounds even better now, doesn't it? Yeah, marijuana will do that. At this point, you might also want to consider ordering a pizza or finding a ride to the local sushi bar, as you're likely to get slammed with the munchies.

Dear Stoner: I'm a daily puffer, and I've got a drug test coming up that I probably would fail just by breathing on the test cup. Any advice on how to pass a pee test?

Uri Nell

Dear Uri: Your best option is to give up smoking herb for up to a month before the test — if that's possible. No, we wouldn't like it either — but you do what you have to in order to earn a living these days. Your second-best option is to get a synthetic urine kit from a local head shop. They come with pre-packaged pee and a portable hand-warmer to help get the pee up to temperature; some even come with a fake wang so that you can actually "pee" into the cup. QuickFix and TestClear have the best reviews online, and numerous friends have used one of these to pass everything from simple pre-employment tests to Department of Transportation screenings. (Whatever you do, though, don't go for one of the detox kits. All they have you do is chug a Gatorade-like drink along with two gallons of water, supposedly so your pee will be diluted enough to pass.) The third, last-ditch option is to smoke a quarter right before you go in and hope that the levels are so high that the test is tossed on a technicality. That, or find a job in the marijuana industry: I assure you that employers there don't care.

 
My Voice Nation Help
22 comments
gokuusan
gokuusan

I wish I had access to this incredibly informative column years ago. I love weed, love it with all my heart. I realized I will never leave Mary behind twenty years ago. I even scored a good job without the hassle of testing. I thank you for this column, and will bookmark this page on my phone. I am trying to talk my wife into moving to The Great State of Colorado.

jhaul21
jhaul21

you can pass the the test the next day by drinking water non stop up to the test, i've done it, i do ua's twice a month for the courts, but you can get in trouble for diluting luckily my PO's cool about it, but if you only smoke once you can pass the test within 3 to 5 days just drink tons of water and cranberry juice, exercise, and sweat up to the test and drink water the day of, you can take vitamin d and it will make ur urine yellow, if you smoke regularly it can last a lot longer, i smoked a gram over 3 days and stopped for a whole week leading up to the test and didnt dilute, it came up positive, lastly if ur desperate; i did this also with success, you can get some catheters from a local medical supply place get a turkey baster or nasal aspirator get some clean urine and inject it up into ur bladder before the test

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

 "Your best option is to give up smoking herb for up to a month before the test — if that's possible"

Only a depraved stoner would assert that it isn't possible.



Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident

Uri Nell:

If you try diluting your pee, take a Vitamin B complex. It will put color back into your pee. I'm not suggesting you rely on the dilution method. I'd abstain, if I were you, and drink the fluids.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident

Newbie Nate: 

Get your snacks in advance, and stay home to stay out of trouble.

  • Nachos
  • Pink Floyd
  • American Prayer
  • South Park

BlondyVanWeirden
BlondyVanWeirden

I beat the hair test by getting a perm and, a week later, I colored my hair.  The chemicals sucked all evidence of the THC build-up in the hair follicles.  What was really a bitch was the angry Hispanic lab tech who cut two huge chunks out of my hair leaving bald spots in the back of my head. 

Katie Pollard
Katie Pollard

......you could grow the hell up and take responsibility for your actions?

11er
11er

Read the advertisments in HIGH TIMES they have a phony penis with heaters for your sons piss..

malinois1
malinois1

Quick Fix - 100%   Dont use anything else.   Just be calm and collected, follow the instructions.   Nobody watches you pee UNLESS you are a criminal and your Parole Officer is looking down on ya =)   Got me  thru the process of joining a international background check including pee and fingerprints.



11er
11er

This is a test they gave me ...1.Someone leaving a party after slapping the host, just vomited on themself and crashed their car into their own house.............................................................................

 2.Someone leaving a party is very wide awoke even though it's 4:25am. Trying to figure out how to steal another $1000 to keep it ROCKin......................................................

3.Someone leaving a party is trying to find the nearest fast food restaurant, and going home to watch a horror movie on the tube with wife and kids...........................

A.  COCAINE                     B.   MARIJUANA          C.   ALCOHOL

                           3+B= LEGALIZE    THANX    COLORADO

Pete
Pete

Do blood tests for life insurance normally test for THC?

stuka1
stuka1

@Katie Clow Or YOU could grow the fuck up and ditch your puerile Reefer Madness.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident

@Katie Clow Perhaps it hasn't occurred to you that the two are unrelated. If you want people to take responsibility for their actions, get rid of socialism.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@Cognitive_Dissident ... when in the history of mankind have humans as a group ever taken personal responsibility for their actions without Government or Church holding the threat of punishment -- real or imaginary -- over them?


 
Loading...