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Ask a Stoner: Best of Denver edition

In honor of the Best of Denver, our stoner picked two of his top questions from last year. Have a fresh one? Send it to marijuana@westword.com or call 303-293-2222.

Dear Stoner: If a mosquito bites you while you're smoking a joint, will it get high?
Buggin' Out

Dear Buggin': What a classic stoner musing! I can remember sitting poolside with a bong in college, wondering the same thing.

Sadly for the mosquito, there's no buzz to be had out of the active THC in your blood. According to a 2001 British study conducted by GW Pharmaceuticals, insects are among the few beings on earth that don't have cannabinoid receptors. Birds, fish, mussels and even sea urchins, for example, all have cannabinoid receptors.

But while we're on the subject of bug inebriation, it turns out they can get drunk — though probably not from sipping on your blood. Studies have shown that insects can handle as much as 25 times the amount of alcohol, by weight, than humans can before feeling the effects. What's also interesting is that bugs, like people, can be more aggressive toward one another when drunk. If only they'd get high instead.

Dear Stoner: I'm a daily puffer, and I've got a drug test coming up that I probably would fail just by breathing on the test cup. Any advice on how to pass a pee test?
Uri Nell

Dear Uri: Your best option is to give up smoking herb for up to a month before the test, if that's possible. No, we wouldn't like it, either, but you do what you have to in order to earn a living these days. Your second-best option is to get a synthetic urine kit from a local head shop. They come with pre-packaged pee and a portable hand-warmer to help get the pee up to temperature; some even come with a fake wang so that you can actually "pee" into the cup. QuickFix and TestClear have the best reviews online, and numerous friends have used one of these to pass everything from simple pre-employment tests to Department of Transportation screenings. (Whatever you do, though, don't go for one of the detox kits. All they have you do is chug a Gatorade-like drink along with two gallons of water, supposedly so your pee will be diluted enough to pass.) The third, last-ditch option is to smoke a quarter right before you go in and hope that the levels are so high that the test is tossed on a technicality. That, or find a job in the marijuana industry. I assure you that employers there don't care.

 
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5 comments
DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Depending on the position and employer, deliberately tampering with / faking a urine test can be a CRIMINAL OFFENSE ...


Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

A month might not be long enough to casually detox, depending on your body fat content. I'd go for at least six weeks if you're as seasoned as you say you are, and I'd drink a buttload of water along with some vitamin B complex (for color) within a couple hours before, too. If you want to get really serious, read the last chapter, "Eat, Drink and Detoxify," of S. T. Oner's book, "The Marijuana Chef Cookbook." The chapter is actually by "Kenn A Biscranium," so you might find it online. Searching that name brought up all kinds of hits (no pun intended) for me.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

@DonkeyHotay  Possessing THC (in or out of the body) is a FEDERAL OFFENSE.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@Cognitive_Dissident  ... well, unless you're ass-packing your stash, there isn't much unmetabolized THC left in the body after smoking.

 
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