Yesterday, Portfolio.com informed us that we live in the 7th best city for retirement among cold weather climates. Today, we learned that DIA is the best North American airport, according to Business Traveler. This, obviously, is cause for excitement. Because these are comprehensive studies that produce objective results, people. As it happens, we here at Westword have been doing some of these exact sorts of studies over the course of the last few
years minutes, and we've arrived at some very valuable meaningless numbers we're sure will change our city forever not at all.
6th best city to text your friends while drinking a Starbucks at Whole Foods Excellent cell coverage + huge population of organic food enthusiasts = not as good as Portland.
13th best city to reside in for three months during the summer if you're a train-hopping crust punk You could visit all the places Jack Kerouac went if he hadn't been totally appropriated by the Man. There's always Wax Trax.
49th best state for snow haters Come to Colorado: Because we're not Alaska.
7th best state for Prius ownership Early polling suggests we'll be climbing a few spots on a future study of Chevy Volt ownership.
12th most accommodating state for people who wear tight pants Sputnik alone bumped us up three spots.
3rd best city for feeling guilty about not exercising That's why city planners spread the parks so evenly throughout the city. To ensure that you had to drive past at least one on your commute, while you're eating a doughnut, and see a dozen people training for half-marathons.
7th best Mormon destination among mountainous states Frankly, not a very impressive finish. We've got the numbers, but only one Temple? Come on, guys.
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2nd best restaurant that is also a kitschy Mexican theme park Because Casa Bonita can't be allowed to win at anything.
4th best city in which to panhandle with a weed-related sign Yes, we have a large portion of the philanthropic stoner crowd. Unfortunately, it's a very small crowd.
1st in non-coastal cities for being ranked The most-ranked ranking of the inland empire. Suck on that, Albuquerque.