What's up fellow lonely, friendless pieces of humanity? Are you too shuffling through life with your eyes fixed on the sidewalk in front of you while you overhear the laughter of friends around you? Valentine's Day can be especially tough, what with the corporate promotion of this "holiday" to Halloween-like levels. That's why we've dug deep to find these 20 things do to in Denver alone, solo, by yourself. Because who needs people with all their talking and opinions? Not you -- you're a lone wolf who doesn't need a pack of yapping furballs to cramp your style.
Wandering around Tattered Cover usually helps to distract one from the dull pain of utter loneliness. -- Ben Dayton
The Valentine's "Heart" show at Lannie's that runs from Feb. 11 to 13 is a good option for singles on the holiday. Apart from the fun onstage, solo audience members can mingle with the inevitable crowds of talkative drunkards that crowd around the bar after the shows. The Immundo Burlesque show at the Rackhouse on Sunday, Feb. 13 is a good option for the same reasons. -- Adam Goldstein
Walk around Civic Center Park and see how many people ask you if you want to buy drugs versus how many people ask you if you can get them drugs. Compile a chart. -- Ben Dayton
Go to Pablo's, get a coffee, take advantage of their Internet-free environment, and talk to strangers. -- Bree Davies
Go to a show at Rhino alone, smoke cigarettes in the corner. -- Bree Davies
You know what's a good way to feel better about being alone? Stuffing your face with chocolate from around the world. The "Travel the World Through Chocolate" event on Feb. 12 on Havana Street in Aurora will feature a cosmopolitan selection of chocolate samples. It's a perfect opportunity to be a glutton, and taking on the challenge solo will give participants a better chance to be as piggish as they want to be. -- Adam Goldstein
Take a mid-afternoon Hot Power Fusion yoga class at Corepower. -- Bree Davies
Ride the lightrail. Creep on chicks. If you are a chick, watch the scenery. -- Ben Dayton
Browse Nordstrom Rack on Colorado Boulevard for good work out clothes and/or giant gawdy Betsey Johnson bags, or go to Buffalo Exchange and try to figure out who's on your team. Then proceed to creep on them. -- Bree Davies
Boy watch at Cafe Europa while pretending to work/study/whatevs. -- Bree Davies
Put Young Money's "Bedrock" on repeat and hit the stairmaster at 24 Hour Fitness like it was your job. -- Bree Davies
Board game: game group every Monday from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. at the Whittier Community Center on 29th and Downing. (That's the only one I know for sure is open to the public). -- Thorin Klosowski
The Denver Dangerous Theater's upcoming production of "An Evening With Mr. Johnson" carries the tagline: "It's Harder Than You Think To Be a Dick." The comedy explores themes of infidelity, emotional trauma and all the ugly sides of being in a relationship. Seeing the worst kind of relationship trauma played onstage can be a salve for being single on a bullshit holiday. The theater's also striving to be inclusive, offering both gay and straight versions of the show. -- Adam Goldstein
Grocery shop -- produce section, duh -- at Sunflower. -- Bree Davies
Stand on the second floor of the Cherry Creek Mall and throw candy into the
kid pit I mean play area. -- Bree Davies
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Enjoy a big sloppy bowl of Pho all by your lonesome in one of the giant velvety booths at Pho on Sixth. -- Bree Davies
Get a tattoo, you'll have plenty to think about during your day out on the town solo, so why not commemorate it with some ink? -- Nick Lucchesi
Watch all nine seasons of Rosanne on Netflix instant watch. Alone. In your mom's basement. -- Bree Davies
How about jerk off to fluffy porn with a noose around your neck while trying to get just close enough to death in order to hopefully remember why you haven't killed yourself yet, thus remembering that you want to live. Then going to Steuben's for a cocktail? -- Ben Dayton