Basically all of these United States are pretty crappy -- or at least that's what Gawker would have you believe with its 50 Worst States in America series this week, in which Colorado took 41st (worst) -- not a bad ranking, provided you give two sailing shits what some liberal America-hating rag like Gawker thinks. Which we don't.
And so, while we have before taken it upon ourselves to provide 50 reasons Denver is awesome, it falls upon us today to defend our entire state -- nay, this great nation (mostly our state, though) -- from some coastal city's sneering elitism. Colorado, eat your heart out.
50. Our lists are better than the lists of other states.
49. Our governor is pretty much pre-puberty Uncle Sam and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington rolled into one.
48. Our state boasts the weather of three states.
47. Even our fundamentalists enjoy gay blowjobs and meth.
46. Minnesota may have invented the zombie crawl, but we did it better. Better than anyone else, in fact.
45. Centennial State, motherfuckers!
44. Colorado is one of just three states with no natural borders, meaning we separate ourselves from the crappy states surrounding us through sheer force of will. In your face, Utah and Wyoming!
43. You got mountains? We got more mountains.
41. Buffalo Bill is buried here. In your face, Wyoming!
40. Our art museum looks like the wreck of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
39. Our unbelievably awesome sports teams.
38. We're slightly less fat than other states.
37. We have nearly as many pot stores as we do public schools; essentially, being a stoner is a legit profession in this state.
36. We have a music venue so awesome that they name industry awards after it. Follow us here: The industry award for best music venue is called the Red Rocks awards, because Red Rocks was consistently voted number one so many times they had to remove it from the list to be fair to other venues.
35. John. Fucking. Elway.
34. We have a Garden... OF THE GODS!
33. Hey coastal states, if your shit is so great, why do you keep vacationing here?
32. Better yet, why do you keep moving here?
31. Our cities don't let shit and trash pile up on the sidewalks, choking everyone out with the stench of rot during the summer (we're looking at you, New York).
30. Ft. Collins Cough is better than any homegrown marijuana strain your state has come up with.
29. It took multiple law enforcement agencies and thousands of dollars, but we eventually brought Balloon Boy to safety.
28. 300 days of sunshine beats hurricane season any day of the fucking week.
27. Nobody beats Vail. Nobody.
26. Mountain goats: The best species.
24. We eat plains and shit mountains.
23. Our welcome sign is clearly the most badass. Take that, Gawker!
22. 58 14ers. And if you don't know what that means we're not telling you.
21. We're, like, pretty good at this beer thing.
20. We told humidity to fuck off. And it listened.
19. Almost all of us drive a Subaru, which is clearly less lame than a mini-van, yet sensible and rugged, bitches.
18. The cinematic masterpiece "Ladybugs," starring Melanie Asmar's junior high crush Jonathan Brandis, was filmed here.
17. The Telluride Shroomfest. We might not be the "best state," but we're totally content with our current state of stateness... and... whoa, look at that cloud.
16. If you're writing a horror story, Colorado should probably be in there. Just ask Stephen King.
15. We start national fashion trends sometimes! (Let's just pretend Crocs wasn't the last one).
14. We arrested Charlie Sheen.
13. We turned Quizno's into a national chain. Look, you're on your own from there, Quizno's.
12. What if Boulder was, like, just an atom in another, way bigger Boulder?
11. According to judges at the Medical Cannabis Cup put on by High Times earlier this year, Colorado has the best medical pot in the world -- and, as we all know from seeing Half Baked, medical-grade pot is better than regular pot. We have the best of the best pot. If you have a MMJ card, of course.
10. We have all the cool secret government installations other states just dream about: the North American Aerospace Defense Command. a federal supermax prison stacked high with terrorists, the Rocky Flats bomb factory. And, of course, the one no one talks about, under our airport.
9. The Broncos have the most popular and polarizing third string quarterback in the history of backup, backup QBs, the second stringer is a total hunk and the starter can out neck-beard any quarterback, ever.
8. Hunter S. Thompson liked to get his Hunter S. Thompson on in Aspen, running for sheriff there, and narrowly losing.
7. Raise your hand if Trey Parker and Matt Stone are from your state. No one? That's what we thought.
6. A caribou came all the way down here from Alaska just to kick it. In your face, Alaska!
>4. But at the same time -- you'll want to note this one, Gawker -- we were doing the gay marriage thing before it was even a blip on your radar, San Francisco and Massachusetts.
3. Everybody knows we know how to party.
2. No, seriously, WE KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1. And most of all, we're pretty much a mile higher than you at all times.
Jef Otte, William Breathes, Nick Lucchesi, Amber Taufen, Melanie Asmar, Kyle Garratt, Alan Prendergast, Stephanie DeCamp, Jane Le and Jay Vollmar contributed to this list.