50 reasons Colorado is the best state in America

Other states, you cannot touch this shit.
Other states, you cannot touch this shit.

Basically all of these United States are pretty crappy -- or at least that's what Gawker would have you believe with its 50 Worst States in America series this week, in which Colorado took 41st (worst) -- not a bad ranking, provided you give two sailing shits what some liberal America-hating rag like Gawker thinks. Which we don't.

And so, while we have before taken it upon ourselves to provide 50 reasons Denver is awesome, it falls upon us today to defend our entire state -- nay, this great nation (mostly our state, though) -- from some coastal city's sneering elitism. Colorado, eat your heart out.

50. Our lists are better than the lists of other states.

49. Our governor is pretty much pre-puberty Uncle Sam and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington rolled into one.

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48. Our state boasts the weather of three states.

47. Even our fundamentalists enjoy gay blowjobs and meth.

46. Minnesota may have invented the zombie crawl, but we did it better. Better than anyone else, in fact.

45. Centennial State, motherfuckers!

44. Colorado is one of just three states with no natural borders, meaning we separate ourselves from the crappy states surrounding us through sheer force of will. In your face, Utah and Wyoming!

50 reasons Colorado is the best state in America

43. You got mountains? We got more mountains.

42. Not even earthquakes can fuck with us.

41. Buffalo Bill is buried here. In your face, Wyoming!

40. Our art museum looks like the wreck of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

39. Our unbelievably awesome sports teams.

Oh, hello, New York.
Oh, hello, New York.

38. We're slightly less fat than other states.

37. We have nearly as many pot stores as we do public schools; essentially, being a stoner is a legit profession in this state.

36. We have a music venue so awesome that they name industry awards after it. Follow us here: The industry award for best music venue is called the Red Rocks awards, because Red Rocks was consistently voted number one so many times they had to remove it from the list to be fair to other venues.

35. John. Fucking. Elway.

34. We have a Garden... OF THE GODS!

33. Hey coastal states, if your shit is so great, why do you keep vacationing here?

32. Better yet, why do you keep moving here?

31. Our cities don't let shit and trash pile up on the sidewalks, choking everyone out with the stench of rot during the summer (we're looking at you, New York).



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