With all the rhetoric surrounding the danger of fatness in America, it's surprising to find that, according to a recent GlobalPost article, the USA isn't the fattest country in the world. In fact, based on body-mass index (BMI) ratings by a World Health Organization study, only 79 percent of Americans are over a 25 BMI, which is the standard for being overweight. That means we're coming in at a pathetic eighth place. Of course, the top seven countries are all islands whose fatness is traditional -- but that's irrelevant, because America is not an eighth-place country. We're a first-place country, damn it! Here are five ways we can improve our fatness and win this thing. Promote the sexiness of being fat in advertising
Advertising has an incredible power over people's perceptions of themselves and their world that they often aren't even aware of. We need to use that power for the good of this fine nation and promote some extra pounds onto as many consumers as possible. No more hot, skinny women as sex objects in commercials. No more hunks with six-pack abs peddling deodorant. Fat is the new full-figured. Fat is the new slim. Losing weight is for losers -- Don't be a loser. We're talking TV, web, print, product placement, billboards, fliers. We need to get the word out in every conceivable venue that fatness is hotness, and being fit and healthy is bad for everyone. It's bad for America, and it helps the communists. Do you want to help the communists? We didn't think so. Now eat up -- and don't move. Fund a blitz of Hollywood films promoting largeness
Like this, but without the connotation of it being a bad thing
Leading-role actors must be at least 200 lbs. It worked with the Iraq War, now let's put the power of Hollywood influence to some good use for the good of America's dominance in the world sphere. We need to show the other countries how wealthy and abundant the American system really is, and that our form of government boasts the greatest percentage of people unable to touch their toes. The world will respect us once again. Bumpersticker campaign
This is a great and easy way to show your support for the nation's efforts to be the best. A positive change in our collective waistline demands it. Some suggestions: Do your part to help America grow. Second helpings help the poor by giving them jobs. Bigger waists = bigger pockets $. Fat is the new black. Skinny is the new ugly. Friends don't let friends work out. More eating means more jobs in America's heartland. You can pry my double bacon cheeseburger from my cold, dead, sausage-like fingers. Put a tax on jogging
Jog: pay the price.
Plastering your vehicle with bumperstickers will help get the word out, but what will be needed for us to beat the islanders and win this thing is real governmental action. It's a known fact that jogging is key to people losing weight. Joggers all over the country are setting us back and eating away at all our hard-won victories. Countries like Kiribati, Kuwait, Argentina and Mexico are close on our heels and gearing up to take our eighth-place spot. We're looking to move up, not fall back, and we're not about to lose to Mexico, that's for damn sure. We need a tax on jogging and we need it now. Call your congressperson. If people want to jog, then they can pay the price; it's as simple as that. Offset the skinny people with credits that they can buy from our more patriotically pudgy
Offsets aren't the best, but they're better than nothing
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If you want to be skinny, that's fine, but just make sure it doesn't ruin it for the the rest of us -- you'll have to pay an already fat person to take on the extra pounds that you refuse to gather onto your firm athletic body. You'll already be an outsider, because all the fat people will be making fun of you for being different, but if you absolutely refuse to change your ways, you can buy credits to offset your skinniness. You won't be helping the problem, but at least you won't be making it any worse.