In a move so stunningly repulsive it literally fills the soul with nihilistic despair, the entertainment network E! announced a show today that reaches a heretofore unfathomable low of cultural bankruptcy: Bridalplasty. In the show, women will compete to win operations from their plastic surgery "wish list" in advance of their weddings, with the winner going under the knife to her little heart's content for that perfect/unsettlingly cyborg-ish new look, to be unveiled to the groom at the ceremony. E! is billing the extent of the procedures as "extreme," with surgeries removing wrinkles, unsightly cellulite and every last shred of the dignity of everyone involved.
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For real though, has nobody learned anything from Michael Jackson? That guy looked like he was rotting alive like a Thriller-style zombie, for God's sake. Or what about Cher, who just showed up to the VMAs earlier this week botoxed and face-lifted within an inch of complete facial paralysis? Or even Heidi Montag, who has not only expressed regret about the extent of her plastic surgery, but got caught on camera this week trying to heave a G-sized boob back into her bikini that was so grotesquely bloated it looked like an overfilled water weinie? Apparently not. Here's what E! had to say for itself:
In the finale, the "Bridalplasty" champion will be named and viewers will follow her journey as she prepares for her dream wedding, which includes undergoing all of the procedures on her plastic surgery "wish list," and her fiancé's anticipation as he waits to see her full transformation. In a moment anticipated all season long, the bride will finally walk down the aisle to reveal her new appearance to her husband-to-be. Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery. The dramatic finale marks the end of her quest for perfection and reveals if her dream wedding does in fact become a reality.
Not shown: the aftermath, in which the bride's dream-cum-reality then becomes a horrible, horrible nightmare of pathological insecurity and self-delusion.
Decency has abandoned us.