Chuck Norris does not celebrate birthdays. Birthdays celebrate Chuck Norris.

Fact: Staring at this photo too long will melt your eyeballs.
Fact: Staring at this photo too long will melt your eyeballs.

Celebrating Chuck Norris's birthday is kind of like celebrating the birthday of time itself: impossible. Nevertheless, several news outlets have reported that the noted martial arts expert and godlike figure of Spartan manliness turns 71 today. Because anything having to do with Chuck Norris is by definition dangerous (the word "dangerous" is reputed to have etymologically descended from the root "Chuck Norris"), we've compiled a list of facts -- many of which contradict each other, just like in the Bible, which Chuck Norris ghost-wrote -- that you need to know about Chuck Norris's birthday.

-Chuck Norris does not blow his candles out. He stares them down until they blow themselves out.

-On Chuck Norris's sweet sixteen, he made the DMV issue him a license to kill.

-Chuck Norris once tricked a trick candle, then roundhouse-kicked it in the face.

-His piñata is filled with human tears.

-When Chuck Norris was a baby, he was a grown adult.

-Chuck Norris does not pin the tail on the donkey. He pins the whole donkey.

-The amount of candles required for Chuck Norris's birthday cake would ignite the atmosphere, destroying every living thing except Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris gave birth to himself. Then he roundhouse-kicked biology in the face.

-Somebody once threw a surprise party for Chuck Norris. He surprised-attacked it with a roundhouse-kick to the face.

--Like pi, Chuck Norris's age is actually an infinite string of non-repeating digits. Chuck Norris knows all of them.

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