This late in the summer blockbuster season, it's pretty much like 3 o'clock on a Friday for Hollywood: You stopped caring right around yesterday, and at this point you're just churning shit out so you can go home and get ready for Oscar season. At no other point during the year is there a greater glut of ridiculousness to choose from than there is during August -- and with such outrageous turds as Final Destination 5, Glee: The 3D Concert Movie and Spy Kids 4 all splattering theaters near you almost simultaneously with their stink, it hasn't been an easy choice by any means -- but this week's dubious honors goes to the splatteriest of them all.
Will there be a Star Wars Kid-like montage of Conan the Barbarian handling a sword? Will there be a giant octopus/snake (snaketopus) that must be defeated by way of a sword? Will a likewise giant sand-creature also require defeating through sword? Will there be other scenes involving a sword?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
? The answer to all of the above is yes.
And that's what it may be, but what really puts this trailer over the edge into irredeemable ridiculousness is the nonsense, pandering-Hollywood all-things-to-all-people romantic subplot with the "empowered" woman who nevertheless depends on the barbarian to save her from evilness or whatever -- Hollywood, listen: No girlfriend anywhere, unless she is currently at this second farting loudly, wants to see this movie, and no amount of romance is going to change that. We came for only one kind of swordsmanship, and the only bodily fluid it involves is blood.
Want to read a real review of Conan the Barbarian 3D? We're here for you.