Dear Carlos Estevez, aka Charlie Sheen,
How goes it, man? I saw you on Good Morning America and beyond the sweats, the wide red eyes, excessive talking, cigarette-smoking and orange liquid-consuming antics, you looked fucking great. Any cocaine and whores and stuff like that should obviously be kept far away from you.
The latest word on the street is that your long-time publicist Stan Rosenfield has abandoned the burning building. Not that you were keeping the poor guy in the loop anyway, but that's beside the point. Rosenfield's resignation points to the public persona known as Charlie Sheen being in an "express"-stamped handbasket with an address for hell. And the entire world is watching.
Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen. You do the math. You're a hot mess. Every time you give an interview, doves cry and bloggers cheer. While Two and a Half Men is in stalled production and you sue the corporate ambassadors of Babylon over at CBS for everything you're worth, you could be making a killing on these interview quotables alone. And I love it.
Today, this week, and for as long as the train takes to wreck, you're in the spotlight, 'Los. More popular than Oprah, you can do what you want, say what you want, slap whomever you want and fuck however many bitches you want. Openly! Charlie Sheen is like the thespian version of the Ol' Dirty Bastard.
Not since the Brooklyn Zookeeper was menacing the media has the entertainment news been this interesting. The other day you said you were "tired of pretending like you're not special," and you were so right. You're totally special, and by "special" I mean "crazy," but still, special.
At this point, it's not about the cocaine. They will try and rein you in simply because their minds cannot contain you. Fuck 'em, drive it like you stole it. You're the Rick James of this shit and the art will only get better.
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Besides, if it gets too real in the white-collared streets over there, you can always pick up the microphone and become a rapper. Are you familiar with Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All? Tyler is more controversial than you. I smell collaboration!
Record a rap song, film a video, release that shit to BET, boom! Everybody wins.
This could work. In the meantime, take care of yourself, Carlos, and fuck the police!