Denver's eleven best roller derby nicknames

A roller derby nickname must be several things. Among them: short, clever and intimidating. This year's winner of "Best Roller Derby Nickname" in our 2012 Best of Denver issue is all three: Boo Boo Radley of the Denver Roller Dolls.

But there's more cleverness and badassery to go around. Here, we present the 2012 Eleven Best Roller Derby Nicknames.

11. Battle E. Portman,

FoCo Girls Gone Derby

We here at Westword love pop culture references, and Battle E. has come up with a menacing take on the name of everyone's favorite Naboo-ian queen. (That'd be Natalie Portman. The Naboo-ian queen thing was another pop culture reference. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace? Anyone? Hello?) According to Battle E.'s profile on the FoCo Girls Gone Derby website, she's a dog groomer whose strength is "hitting" and whose weakness is "free drinks."

10. To Infinity and Yvonne, Denver Roller Dolls

A derby name that includes a Toy Story reference? Yes, please. To Infinity and Yvonne started skating in 2010, as soon as she was old enough to join the league. Here's what the Denver Roller Dolls' website tells us about how she got her name: "'To Infinity and Yvonne' was suggested by her older sister and former skater with DRD but her derby name was fully realized when Crystallion, another skater, pointed out that To Infinity 'n' Yvonne shortens to the very appropriate acronym, TInY.'"

Juno It'll Hurt, up front in the red.
Juno It'll Hurt, up front in the red.
Jay Vollmar

9. Juno It'll Hurt, Rocky Mountain Rollergirls

This is one of those derby names that deserves to be said out loud. See? Told you so.

That's Luna-tic with the blonde pigtails.
That's Luna-tic with the blonde pigtails.

8. Luna-Tic Lovegood, Slaughterhouse Derby Girls

If Luna Lovegood were a real person and not a Harry Potter character, we'd want her on our roller derby team. Not so much because she'd be good at sports but so she would understand us and comfort us ever-so-gently when no one else could.

7. Brix Hithouse, Denver Roller Dolls

From the Denver Roller Dolls' website: "The daughter of a tire-slingin', homebrewin' cycling fanatic and a high-energy, aerobics-teachin' knitting aficionado, Brix, along with her giant little brother, were homegrown in the mountains and valleys of the Western Slope. After trying her hand at an art degree, Brix -- who won Best Upscale Roller Derby Nickname this year -- quickly realized that regular college was not the path for her. She found herself traveling the globe with a band of jolly pirates for a few years while searching for her true calling. It was after an expedition through Europe, that she realized what she really loved was food and wine, and the culture surrounding it. She is now a certified Chef and Executive Sommelier. She is also working her way towards a Master of Wine certification. (Thus the name and number; Brix: A measure of sugars in a wine grape before harvest, which is used to predict the alcohol level in the resulting wine. 28° Brix = up to 16.8% alcohol. And Hithouse...well that's another story)."

Page down to see our top six.

Shelby Churass, in the back with a "C" written on her arm.
Shelby Churass, in the back with a "C" written on her arm.
Jay Vollmar

6. Shelby Churass, Rocky Mountain Rollergirls

Say it out loud. Scared? We thought so.

Newton's Lawless, in red in the middle.
Newton's Lawless, in red in the middle.
Jay Vollmar

5. Newton's Lawless, Rocky Mountain Rollergirls

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, bitches!

Denver's eleven best roller derby nicknames
Pikes Peak Derby Dames

4. Ovarian Barbarian, Pikes Peak Derby Dames

You know what would have made Conan the Barbarian even more awesome? Ovaries. Which is why the Ovarian Barbarian would kick Conan's ass any day of the week.

3. Scar Trek, High City Derby Divas

Correct us if we're wrong, but Star Trek references are nerdier than references to Star Wars, Toy Story and Harry Potter. Combined. Add in a nod to The Lion King -- Scar, the evil uncle lion? Anyone? -- and you've got derby nickname gold.

2. Georgia O'Grief, 10th Mountain Roller Dolls

Good grief! What a name! Georgia's derby moniker combines ass kicking with a reference to a kick-ass female artist known for painting flowers that some say (intentionally or unintentionally) resemble ladies' ha-has. It's almost too much awesomeness to contemplate. Bravo, Georgia O'Grief. Bravo.

1. Boo Boo Radley, Denver Roller Dolls

Of all the pop culture references in all the world, nods to To Kill A Mockingbird, the best tenth-grade required reading ever, are at the top of our list. Plus, the word "boo-boo" makes us giggle. It's an adorable way to say, "Get out of my way or I'll beat your ass."

More from our Best of Denver archive: "Top 10 Best Roller Derby Nicknames (aside from Best of Denver winner Frida Beater)."

Like Melanie Asmar/Westword on Facebook.

Sponsor Content