Five foods better than turkey for your Thanksgiving feast

Everyone knows turkey sucks. It's dry, it's boring and the only reason people eat it is because it conveniently feeds a lot of people at the same time. That is a stupid reason to eat anything. And it's especially stupid on a holiday whose entire purpose is to eat as much as possible -- but don't despair, America; we've got you covered. So that you might eat like the king you are this Thursday, here are five better suggestions for your Thanksgiving feast entree. 5. Goose Back in the day, goose used to be the favorite poultry for feasting, and it's a much tastier meat -- this Thanksgiving, we vote to take it back to the olde-schoole. Besides, geese are a menace, and they will not hesitate to poke your eyes out, like the birds from The Birds. Eat them before they eat you.
4. A whole cow If it's a whole bunch of food you want, why settle for 25 lbs of meat when you can have 600 lbs of meat, and that meat is also steak? White meat? Not for me, thanks. I'm on a strict diet of manly.
3. Vegans Before you get all up-in-arms about "cannibalism," think about it: They're organic, they're grass-fed and there's always one at every gathering who's inconvenient to feed and is constantly spouting annoying opinions. The real folly would be not to eat that person. Lure them into the garage with whatever's on the table that's not meat, because you don't want to eat that shit anyway.
2. Bald Eagle Some people would call it "desecration," but it's no more desecration than an American flag mural on a cargo van, which is obviously the baddest-ass mural you could possibly have on your cargo van. Besides, it's a well known fact that eating an eagle gives you superpowers, such as x-ray vision and the ability to fire multiple guns at the same time.
1. Pie Why mess around? We're adults now, and we can eat whatever we damn well please.