Fans of HBO's Game of Thrones could use some levity right now: The latest episode, "The Rains of Castamere," was rough in the way that a bunch of beloved characters were completely and utterly slaughtered in such a shockingly revolting manner that fans who haven't read the books are still cry-barfing and posting "WTF" memes all over Facebook. For them, these are dark times for Game of Thrones. So just to lighten the general mood of impotent rage (until next week's season finale is over and everyone is back to complaining about too much nudity and straying from book canon), here's a list of the top five Game of Thrones characters we don't ever want to see naked. And if anyone was wondering, another snapshot of a very naked -- and very well-endowed -- Hodor would definitely be welcome in these trying times.
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5. Tywin Lannister In case you've been without Internet access for the last couple of weeks (taking an extended vacay in the Summer Isles or something), then you might have missed the ghastly gif of Charles Dance, who plays Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones, dancing in a cheetah print getup and stripper boots, courtesy of Ali G Indahouse. Sacha Baron Cohen is fairly well-known for being an enormous asshole, but this latest GOT eye-raping stunt may be the worst thing he's ever done. The number of people who want to see Tywin Lannister in an animal-print mini-skirt is exactly the number of people who would want to see him naked, and this same group of sanity-bereft folks is more than likely the same bunch of deranged vom-burgers who are fans of Ali G Indahouse.
4. Roose Bolton Roose Bolton is nobody's bestie this week, after his team effort with Walder Frey and company to stage a wedding feast that was redder than a spilled cask of Dornish fire wine. This dead-fish-eyed mega-villain is not somebody that GOT fans want to see naked...not that they did before, but now no one even wants to see him alive. Boltons in the show are a bunch of certified creep-sicles; they are even more soulless and despicable in the books, and the father-son Bolton duo (c'mon like you haven't yet figured out that the wormy-eyed kid torturing Theon is Ramsay Snow, Bolton's emotionally autistic bastard whelp?) would do better to grace the cover of the next issue of WTF?! Magazine than the centerfold of Westeros's Ye Olde Playgyrle.
3. Littlefinger Ah, Petyr Baelish, the former Master of Coin and the future bridegroom of Lysa Arryn (known to avid show watchers and book readers as "The Mom With Serious Attachment Issues") is actually not a bad-looking chap. He's tall, dark-haired and mysterious, has a flair for courtier couture that puts the court ladies to shame, and has a wicked smile. And speaking of wicked, how is it that this is one of the characters that nobody really wants to see naked? Well, he spends all of his waking hours -- and probably the sleeping ones as well -- plotting to take over the world and hatching disloyal, devious plots that usually involve body counts (ask Ned Stark about it...oh...wait...you can't). You can trust this guy about as far as the distance between his lips and King Joffrey's golden ass.
Littlefinger is that ex-boyfriend who cheats on you, on your birthday, with your sister, and somehow manages to gaslight you into believing it was your idea. Seeing him naked might be a real treat for about a minute -- before he retrieves a Myrish stiletto he was hiding somewhere unmentionable and shanks you in the gut with it.
2. Walder Frey "The Late" Walder Frey is far past the age where people stop counting birthdays and start buying funeral-sized cold cut platters from Sam's Club, and despite his penchant for Mormon-style teenage brides (which is creepy in any time period, even a technically non-existent one), he is not exactly what you'd call attractive. In fact, the head of House Frey is a filthy, disgusting, slimy, ass-end-sucking, weasel-faced pile of pickled beet vomit. Naked? Seven hells, I don't even want to see Walder Frey clothed, let alone in his ninety-something-year-old birthday suit. After the reprehensible, guest-right-ignoring slaughter that he just perpetrated against the Starks, Walder Frey deserves to get a terminal case of medieval testicular cancer and die clutching his wrinkly old sack -- with no one there to see or hear it.
1. King Joffrey This lithe, well-attired, golden-haired king was everything that a high-born lady like Sansa Stark dreamed about, and everything that an even better-connected lady like Margery Tyrell could dream of marrying here-pretty-quick. He's handsome, well-spoken and could rival Justin Bieber for name recognition; him posing in the royal buff would be a sight to make teenaged girls swoon and slobber.
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And then there is the fact that King Joffrey is an unhinged, sociopathic, crossbow-wielding fuck-a-loony. This kid makes the kid from The Omen look like a cub scout helping old ladies with their grocery bags, and if Lannisters always pay their debts, this Jaime and Cersei incest spawn has been racking up some serious credit-card balances with the first national bank of everyone, and the interest rate is high. Seeing this Westeros heartthrob sans royal robes would leave GOT fans with one singular, meta-shared thought-: more places to run him through with Valyrian steel daggers. If King Joffrey makes it out of the season finale without being stabbed in the everything, then here's to hoping he meets a much worse end next season.