Considering it's an activity wherein people look on while other people walk down a street and do things at the same time, it's unsurprising that the least boring thing about a parade is usually the floats. Actually, a lot of the time, the floats are pretty awesome -- like the 28-foot-tall penguin float named "Mayor Waddles" that will be in the 9News Parade of Lights this evening. But they could be awesomer. Here are five floats that will definitely not be involved in tonight's festivities, but that won't stop us from dreaming...
5. Ted Turner Buffalo Overdrive Float The greatest thing about a lot of floats is that they are often unintentionally creepy, and if Ted's Montana Grill, a front-range chain dreamed up by Ted Turner almost exclusively to tout the wonders of eating bison meat (pretty much everything on the menu involves bison), had a float, it would be one of them. We visualize the giant robotic head of Ted Turner shoveling chunks of meat into its gaping, mechanical maw. Or maybe just a float draped with buffalo carcasses.
4. Dan Maes Republican Pride Float With primary favorite Scott McInnis proven incapable of coming up with his own musings on water, Tea Party underdog, fabulously successful businessman and noted secret agent Dan Maes was to bring his considerable talents to the bar, avoiding shame for his party by coming through with over ten percent of the vote! Though democratic candidate John Hickenlooper eventually came out ahead, it was a victory of sorts for the Republican party, which will at least remain on the regular ballot next cycle.
3. LoDo Bro Float Ah, winter in LoDo: An idyllic, Norman Rockwell-ish time, full of fireside relaxation and phat club beatz. In the spirit of Denver's most tasteful party district, the LoDo float will come populated with revelers dispensing warming candied-appletinis to all the children and decorated with a soft dusting of
2. Tim Tebow Thwarted Abortion Float We all know the inspiring story of Tim Tebow, the almost-aborted fetus that went on to be born and then become everyone's favorite evangelical quarterback. Tebow's float will celebrate successful aborted-fetuses-that-never-were from all around the world, in a heartwarming reminder that the Plan-B pill you took in the wake of blurred LoDo memories last night could have gone on to become the next Johnny Unitas.
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1. The Wickedest Medical Marijuana Float Ever Conceived Of Dude: This fucking thing is going to blow your little mind. It's going to be, like, this giant pot leaf made out of black lights, with like lasers and all this psychedelic shit shooting off it, and then, like, if you touch it? It's gonna play that first opening chord from Dark Side of the Moon. You know that chord I'm talking about? Man, every time I hear that shit, it like, gives me the shivers. Hey, uh... when is this parade, anyway?