We all know the story: You go out into the world, seek your fortune, get rich and famous and return home to a parade in your honor that ends in the mayor presenting you with the key to the city. At least that's what always happens to me. I've got so many keys to Grand Rapids, Michigan, I had to install a specific drawer just to keep them in. At any rate, that won't be happening to Heidi Montag in her hometown of Crested Butte -- word is, she won't be attending that little mountain town's people's fair at all. That's why, just to soften the blow for the mayor, who probably had a key made and everything, we're offering these five entirely made-up reasons for her absence.
5. She'll be stumping for Dan Maes The relationship between Montag and John McCain in the last election cycle was a veritable love-fest, with Montag saying McCain had "a lot of experience" and McCain shooting back that he found her a "talented actress" -- which is interesting because she's not actually an actress. Either way, it stands to reason that Montag, a self-described Republican, would also throw her support behind Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes in her own state -- and even though Montag herself acknowledged that "I don't think anyone cares who Heidi Montag votes for," let's be honest: Maes needs all the help he can get.
4. She'll be watching Bret Michaels in Denver at the Taste of Colorado Does this one even need an explanation? Because Bret Michaels is fucking awesome, that's why.
3. She's still mourning her dead plastic surgeon After a marathon plastic-surgery session earlier this year in which Dr. Frank Ryan cut her open, pumped her full of saline and vacuumed her out like a Barbie-doll-shaped saltwater fish tank, the poor guy met his demise on California's Pacific Coast Highway last month -- evidently, he was distracted by tweeting about his dog. The dog survived when Ryan drove off a cliff. Ryan did not.
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2. And now she has to look for another plastic surgeon Last week, Montag revealed to Life & Style magazine what everyone else already knew: That much plastic surgery is gross. "I don't want my face to fall off like Michael Jackson," she said, explaining why she had been wearing surgical tape over her altered nose for almost a year. Now, with Ryan gone, Montag faces a bizarre, Death Becomes Her-like scenario: find someone to care for her plasticene android body or watch it decay before her eyes.
1. Giant boobs explode at high altitudes While Montag also told Life & Style that she wants to downgrade from her outrageous beachball-sized tits to more a more reasonable softball-sized tit option, in the meantime, she's stuck with a heavy load that protrudes from her like a couple of enormous water-balloons filled with hair gel. And like water-balloons, those things are overfilled to the point of volatility; while she searches for a new maintenance technician, Montag can't risk a potentially disastrous rupture scenario in the thin mountain air.