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Five stupid things the kids are doing today to get loaded and get off

Eyeball licking. No, seriously.
Eyeball licking. No, seriously.

Okay so apparently the teenagers are licking each other's effin eyeballs to get freaky, as if the kids today weren't already doing enough regular, everyday stupid shit like texting and driving, not learning to read and taking nude pics of their underage selves for Internet posterity. At least us Gen Xers did the bulk of our crazy shit before the Internet got big). These little hipster spawn are coming up with some seriously creative -- and just as seriously dumb and harmful -- ways to catch some buzzes and get their junk-jollies off.

Here's a list of five stupid-ass things kids are doing to get loaded and get off. And I assure you, narrowing this list down to five took some real work.

See also: - Is it time to quit dismissing the taste of teenage girls? - The ten most awkward teens in pop culture - Five sluttiest Halloween costumes for teen girls

This guy's a keeper.
This guy's a keeper.

5. Putting alcohol in their eye holes Pouring vodka in your eye sockets in order to get drunk faster and more efficiently seems totes legit, since moving that bottle spout a few inches downward and just drinking it, in your mouth, is so difficult. The random photos circulating online show a handful of teens mashing the pour-holes of vodka bottles against their own eyeballs, but strangely enough there seem to be no day-after photos of the same dipshits...probably because the hulking ER nurses/head-smacking parental units confiscated the smartphones until their crotch-blossoms get smarter.

And, far from actually getting you drunk, pouring alcohol into your eyes causes inflammation, clotting blood vessels, and possible burned/scarred corneas. Is this potential perma-damage enough to justify some show-off at a party? Perhaps not, and since it appears from the photos and vid clips that it's mostly teenage boys doing this, and PSA, young gentlemen -- young ladies who think this makes you awesome enough to make out with are likely not the kind of girls your parents would approve of, not to mention you are not exactly a prize catch yourself.

Thank you, teens, for ruining marine life images.
Thank you, teens, for ruining marine life images.

4. Starfishing Now, here is a term that didn't actually mean what I thought it did -- and that's saying something big since what I thought it meant was pretty disturbing. Starfishing, apparently, is a gang-bang scenario where teen girls lay on a floor to make a starfish shape with their bodies (I really hope they vacuumed first) and teen boys go around them inserting themselves into each girl kinda like shoving a credit card into a pay slot at a gas pump, and the last guy to erupt "wins." Jesus-venereal-diseasing-Christ, this is what counts for friends with bennies these days? Not even getting into the preggoed and herp-ed implications of this sort of activity, what happened to the good old days of threesomes and not calling after? These kids are way too young to be doing anything sexual that is named after a sea creature, and there is a proper time and place for this sort of group thing, but it sure isn't high school -- it's called college.

Guess where it goes next?
Guess where it goes next?

3. Vod-Kotex-ing The teen phenomenon of inserting a liquor-soaked tampon into a dry rear-end was apparently either so pervasive -- or so fantastical for the media -- it made the news on several different occasions. Apparently dunking the 'ol cooter-cotton on a string into alcohol and shoving into the nethers is a way to drunk without getting busted drinking at school, Taco Bell or drama club, which I can respect as a form of creative genius since my generation just dyed peppermint schnapps with food coloring in a mouthwash bottle, but I'm more amazed at this practice for how far kids have come with acceptance of homo-erotic culture that teenaged boys now have no qualms about taking a tampon in the arse for the greater good. Here to progress, but PSSST! Kids! Tampons aren't even supposed to go in that hole...quit skipping health class, because this and other mysteries of the human body will seriously astound and educate you well into your adult years.  

Five stupid things the kids are doing today to get loaded and get off

2. Drinking purple drank Back in the glorious 1990s, we had one purple drink that everyone knew about, cherished, and paid somebody's pervy, unemployed older brother to buy for us -- Purple Passion. These bottles were filled with a noxious mixture of cheap grape soda and Everclear, probably got us all high from the massive sugar content before we were even drunk on the alcohol, and tasted exactly the same coming out as it did going in. Those were truly the good old days, because now kids are swilling "purple drank," which is a mixture of things that are difficult to pronounce like dextromethorphan, guaifenesin and pseudoephedrine -- more commonly known as over-the-counter cough syrup.

Kids these days are cutting the cough syrup with Mountain Dew and Jolly Ranchers and getting all sloppy. Keep a closer eye on your medicine cabinets, folks, because the prescription strength stuff is particularly coveted among the shorties, which is unfair because up-dosing on hydrocodone-laced cough syrup is a pleasure that should be reserved for us adults who have earned it.

Not hot -- actually kind of gruesome.
Not hot -- actually kind of gruesome.

1. Licking each other's effin eyeballs Thank you, Japanese teenagers for introducing yet another weird-ass term into my daily vocabulary: oculolinctus. This is defined as the practice of licking eyeballs for erotic gratification. So imma cruise on past the part about how teenagers should be focusing on other things besides erotic gratification (like maybe learning to read, write and do their own laundry) and address the actual acts. Licking someone's eyeballs is gross, can give you sties and pinkeye, and just because you saw something on an unlocked porno site doesn't mean you have to try it right now -- see my earlier thing about college. The kids are tonguing each other's corneas because they claim that kissing gets boring, which is a sad revelation for anyone no matter what age they are.

And just so you know, half-pints: if you are finding kissing to be that bloody boring to the point that you are putting your little lickers into eye holes, then I assure you all -- you are doing it wrong!



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