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Five ways porn improves people's lives (NSFW)

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
All photos by Nate "Igor" Smith.

Legal, legitimate, adult-oriented pornography gets a tough rap sometimes, and that's a tear-leaking shame -- because what consenting adults do in their spare time, in the privacy of their own homes (and a few seedy theaters), should be off limits to prudish scrutiny and judgment. Reading skin mags, watching flick-it-flicks and scoping the occasional Penthouse Forum doesn't make anyone bad; in fact, indulging in some stress-relieving, mood-enhancing jug-a-jug is one of the surest ways to achieve that which we all lust after: happiness, harmony, focus and most of all, truly effective cognitive dissonance.

Here's a list of five ways that porn makes people's lives better. And remember: Lube rhymes with boob.

See also:

- 2013 AVN Awards: The Stars Get Ready (NSFW)

- About Cherry reveals why we like porn

- 2013 AVN Awards: Porn's Biggest Night (NSFW)

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.

5. Porn keeps single people from committing daily homicides

We all know "That Guy/Girl" -- the one who is perpetually and miserably single, nursing strawberry daiquiris and putrid, self-loathing attitudes every night at bars and parties. Every time one of their mouths open, we already have an idea of what crusty, alienated rants will spew forth about how everybody else in the 'verse has someone but them, no one will ever love them, and "Just one more daiquiri--make it a double." It's easy to think about what they do when they stumble home with fruity rum breath -- listen to The Crow soundtrack, close their black curtains and snuggle their cats -- but before all that (or after, maybe) they should pop on a nudie flick and do a righteous round of self-pity jerking. The rest of us should be thankful, nay, grateful for their porno masturbating, because those same wretched husks would probably be out strangling kittens or bar cronies if they didn't have porn as an outlet.

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.

4. It keeps couples from breaking up

After you've been in any relationship for a while, no matter how hot and soul-shattering the sex was in the beginning, you get bored and irritated looking at and nibbling on the same set of anatomy over and over and over again, and wish for some stalemate-breaking mag or movie so you can at least pretend you are diddling someone else's fruit basket for a while. Pornography is not just needed during these times of crushing monotony, it's a crucial element in keeping couples together when -- let's face it -- they'd rather be just about anywhere other than sitting on the couch watching Netflix and eating beef stroganoff TV dinners with the same partner they just got done arguing with over what to watch on Netflix.

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.

3. Porn teaches people how to fuck properly

Gods help me, if the guy who punched my V-card had watched even a little more porn, I have a feeling my first time would have been infinitely more satisfying. I lost my virginity to a guy named "Crash," a drummer in a Queensryche cover band, in the back of somebody's dad's 1970s molesto-van (complete with bubble windows and shag carpeting) at a Guns 'N Roses/Metallica concert, and the whole sordid affair was over in about three minutes -- and two of those minutes were spent hiking my skirt back down and re-tousling my hair for the show. Needless to say, the experience left everything to be desired, and I was pretty disappointed that my poor hymen went out with a whimper instead of a bang. If my erstwhile partner had spent more time watching porno DVDs and less time listening to craptastic Queensryche CDs, chances are good that I would have had an evening to remember -- in a good way.

Continue reading for our top two reasons.

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.

2. It teaches people to be less chicken-shit about fucking

One of the best things about frequent porn use is that after watching all manner of depraved, disgusting, filthy, sexy, scintillating sex scenes between a man and a woman; a woman and a woman; a man and a man; a woman and a shitload of men; a man, a dwarf, a goat and a tub of margarine; and a bunch of women with a bunch of other women, is that these scenarios give you a much better idea of what kinds of stuff you like in the sack, and also how to ask for it. Sure, in pornos you sometimes get some ridiculous scenes -- I remember one in which a barely-English-speaking guy from some Baltic country threw back his ponytailed head and screamed "Sook mah deek!" every couple of seconds -- but mostly you get really hot verbosity and quite a few stray tips on how to move your head, where to put your legs and, most important, --what to do with the dwarf, the goat and margarine when you get a hold of them.

For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.

1. It gives people excuses for being scraggy jerk-asses

By far my favorite porn perk is that the simple idea of using it gives some folks a singularly effective excuse for their own shortcomings, insecurities, poor communication and shitty relationship maintenance skills -- or, as I like to call it, "Blame the porn!" Some people blame pornography for their fucked-up relationships, their lack of sex, their surfeit of sex, their partner's needs or theirs being incompatible, and the real kicker: blaming other people's porn use for their discomfort or dissatisfaction with their own lives. Porn is a convenient bad guy, because it can be a largely abstract concept for people unfamiliar with it, and as some folks are as adverse to personal accountability anyway, deciding that others' porn is to blame for hosts of societal ills and the breakdown of morality and values is much easier than actually taking a good hard look at what you can do about your sex life for yourself, and proceeding to make it the best you can for your own physical, mental and emotional -- and for some hippies, spiritual -- health's sake.

By all means, use porn as a scapegoat if you want, but it's much better when used the way it is intended.