Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

As a culture, we are accustomed to -- and expect -- the ad industry to push the envelope and bring us compelling new material to help us answer the really important questions in life, such as "which industrial-style cleaner made for domestic use will make me feel the most empowered?" Or "should I buy this $60 hat?" The answer is yes, yes you should. You'll get the girl, you'll get the promotion, whatever it is you want, you'll get it, just buy the damn hat. Bold advertising helps us all. It's all about making the world a better place and spreading democracy, but sometimes ad industry pushes those clever ideas too far. Way too far. And they end up embarrassing everyone -- like in these weird ads after the jump.

Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

05. Kiss My Glass A classic example of the risk in taking things too literally. Was the quality control person out sick the day they green-lighted this at-best incredibly misguided ad campaign? Can you imagine seeing this girl on the street? She's walking in front of you, looking good in her tight, sky-blue get-up -- then her ass-jowls swing your direction as she turns to check for cars while crossing the street. I'd be terrified. This half-assed play on words doesn't even make sense in this context. I bet the model had to sign a contract allowing them to replace her face with a massive, disembodied ball-sack-looking derriere. The upside for her being that her career won't be ruined by being recognized in this ad. Lesson: Just because you can do something in Photoshop doesn't mean you should.

Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

04. Knee Boobs Thanks a lot, Dermacare. I'm sure you thought you were being really clever when you approved this one. The whole office probably high-fived and went out for drinks, but you've done a disservice to us all by making both breasts and knees less sexy than they each were, respectively. Furthermore, the implication that breasts are sexy and knees are not is just out of touch with reality and offensive to knee lovers everywhere. On top of that, you're drawing a visual connection from nipples to toe-nails, and that is just plain irresponsible.

Lesson: Just because it's clever doesn't make it right.

Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

03. Boob Chin An obvious pattern is emerging here -- boobs. This is the least disturbing of the five ads we've compiled for you, but it still uses the female form in a way that is both weird and offensive. Ad executives: Please stop doing this. It doesn't make you look smart. And just because you hint at the idea of a naked woman's boob doesn't mean we'll be interested in your product. Well, at least some of us won't. In order for sex to sell, it actually has to be sexy. Weird boob-chins aren't sexy. They are confusing, and make people think of chins when they should be out there saving the children. Lesson: Save the children from weird boob-chins. Take any money you were going to give to Marie Clare and give it to a homeless person.

Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

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02. Surrounded By Boobies What safer and more comfortable way to travel than while surrounded by eight -- count them, eight -- large, fake boobies? Driving the new S-Class Mercedes is exactly like that. Who doesn't want that? The answer according to Mercedes is, nobody. Everyone wants that, because deep down we all still want to be curled up and suckling at our mother's bosom. And this is America, so if we can have four times that, then bring it on.

The idea made sense: If we can find a way for our cars to empathize with the universal human desire to be engulfed in luxuriant breasts on all sides, then we'll all be drowning in money. The execution of said idea, well, decide for yourself. We think it is more than a little odd. For instance, why do their dresses connect in the middle? That doesn't make sense.

Lesson: We're all children in adult bodies acting on desires derived from survival tactics.

Five weirdest uses of the female body in advertising for random shit, and what we can learn

01. Sexy Knees Thank heaven, an ad that doesn't just fall back on boobs to carry a horrible idea to the finish line. We have to hand it to Vog. This pun actually -- kind of -- makes sense. But it's creepy. If you're trying to be sexy, which the woman's stance clearly betrays, then why associate a beautiful woman with a creature that grosses out and even terrifies a broad swath of your target audience? To be sure, this ad would be a lot more eye-catching if six of those legs were removed.

Lesson: Women are beautiful the way they are. Stop fucking with their body parts to sell shit.


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