February 3, 2011 | 7:59pm
Last week, Sammi and JWoww made amends, everyone got drunk, and Deena's taste in men's backsides was the rumor around the barbershop. Basically, business as usual. This week, we join up with the Jersey Shore crew as they're doing the usual group drunk walk home from the club. Actually, drunk doesn't begin to cover it--Snooki has passed out in the dog bed and Ronnie's puking into a bag, while Sammi, of course, is "helping" him and harassing him at the same time.
Cut to the next morning, where we watch as Ronnie gets his ass checked out, literally, by a doctor, after waking up hungover and finding out he's bleeding. From his ass. The doctor sticks a finger or three up there, and then tells Ron to stop drinking. He doesn't seem nearly as concerned as we would be if someone told us our ass was bleeding from drinking too much. Moving on, the girls are at what looks like a Walgreens, where we watch them try to shop. This proves boring for all involved.
Later, a bunch of Ronnie's friends (we didn't know he had any?) come out to Karma with the crew. Deena hooks up with Ronnie's friend Dario and, wait for it--Snooki finally snags a dude. She finally gets to take home her very own guido. Named Jeff. Boom, just like that, Snooki gets the smash room. This may be the first time in the history of the Jersey Shore that she gets to take a guido to the smash room--but sadly, mother nature intervenes, and Snooki does no smashing in the smash room. Deena however, after stating that she will not, under any circumstance, do it on the first "date," does in fact do it with Dario. Well played, Deena.
Look at that big pile of Snooki
Unfortunately, we learn the next day that Jeff may or may not have been engaged, and that means Snooki's not interested. She dumps him hard, and he--for reasons unbeknownst to us--fights to get her back. He calls the house repeatedly to apologize, only to be met with Pauly D's amazing improvisational backward prank-calling routine. (We are secretly hoping that if there is a spin-off of Jersey Shore, it's the Pauly D Show, seeing as how he's the only one with a real personality and decent IQ level.)
Pauly D, the smartest of guidos.
This day is full of important things like trips to the laundromat and the sex toy store. We spend a good five minutes staring at JWoww's ridiculously amazing body in various "slutty" outfits, before the girls make their important purchases and head home. The dudes have been slaving away in the kitchen, cooking up a nice family dinner of pasta with vodka sauce. Unfortunately, Bummer City, population: Sammi and Ronnie take over the somewhat pleasant dinner by, guess what? Fighting. Again.
Ronnie, coming at you live from his own personal hell!
Unfazed, we move on to yet another day. Now it's pretend work time at the fake job, where JWoww and Snooki come in on time, two hours late. Snooki proclaims she doesn't like work because she doesn't like to work, but luckily, no work actually gets done. She and J just chat about, you know, girl stuff. At home, everyone else is hanging out in the bummer zone, waiting for Sammi to get ready so they can all go out. After straightening her hair for hours, she decides she's not going to the club. Such a bitch move.
Sammi and the hair straightener
The dudes and Deena go out for a fairly mellow evening, and Pauly D decides to bring Danielle home. She's also known as The Stage 5 Clinger, the girl who stalked him last year and later, threw a drink in his face. He decides to not hold a grudge, and brings her back to the house much to everyone's chagrin. Danielle gets made fun of by Vinny and leaves. Meanwhile, upstairs, guess what? Ronnie and Sammi are fighting.
Ronnie says peace out, again. Sammi begs for closure, bro. They have it out on the patio, and it seems that things are over. Again.
"I hate girls who say they never masturbate." - Deena
"I told him I'm taking his sperm and making babies out of it" - Snooki (regarding Pauly's sperm)
"It's not Halloween. I'm not handing out the candy for free."- Deena
"I hate the ocean. It's full of whale sperm." - Snooki
"Send roses to the house. Roses with fried pickles in them." - Pauly D
"What do I do for Sammi besides wipe her ass for her and breathe for her?"- Ronnie
"She Jersey Turnpikes all day long"- Pauly D