February 17, 2011 | 6:15pm
Oh, MTV. You are so smart. What better a way to preempt the shit show that is Jersey Shore than with a video premiere from the queen of shit shows herself, Britney Spears. After witnessing the boring breathlessness that is Brit's "Hold It Against Me," we pick back up at the Jersey Shore house, which is in break-up shambles. Sammi is gone, Ronnie is crying, and The Situation is attempting to comfort his bro with little nuggets of made up wisdom about relationships. This proves not in any way helpful or effective. He turns to the girls for some actual advice, but Snooki, Deena and JWoww just seem to stare at him like confused puppies.
Now that Sammi is gone, there is truly nothing to do, so the crew turns to pranking each other. Cake gets smashed in faces, stuffed animals get hung by strings as the boredom reaches an all time high. Pranking gets put on pause, however, so everyone can focus on poop. First, we watch Vinny poke at some turds in the toilet with a wire hanger while he tries to unclog it. Then, we see that Snooki is about to shit her pants as she paces outside the bathroom at the fake t-shirt shop job--while Ronnie is behind the locked door sitting on the toilet and crying. Poop has officially become more interesting than anyone on the show.
The single moment in the show when Ronnie was not crying.
Later, dudes go to the barber shop to take Ronnie's mind off the break up, and while they're gone, Deena and JWoww decide to clean out his room, removing any of Sammi's left-behinds. For some stupid reason, the girls lie about the stuff-removal. This leads to Ronnie thinking Sam has come back to get her stuff, making him even more crazy. Luckily, Ronnie figures it out, and everyone chills enough to take a family trip to the boardwalk. From there we get to hear Snooki scream from a go cart.
Caught on tape: Snooki in The Smash Room
Back at the house, the toilet is still clogged, but the focus is now on the investigation of a pair of unclaimed woman's underwear that Pauly finds in the bathroom. Like a gentleman, he brings the funky drawers out into the living room for all to see. The dirty panties take up a good three minutes of television time, as everyone takes a turn walking by the undergarments and commenting on how gross they are.
We can't stop staring at Snook's Jersey necklace.
Thankfully, we move on to the old standby, the club, where Pauly runs into an ex. The Situation immediately tries to dry hump said woman, breaking guy code. No matter though, because the entire group still gets drunk, dances and exits. On the walk home, Deena loses it, JWoww almost pees herself and Snooki picks up a random dude. She tries to take him home to smoosh, but the smash room gets invaded by MVP and Snooki gets cock blocked. Ronnie pouts.
"Listening to Mike talk about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane."
"I gotta get my eyebrows done, man. It is a process to be The Situation." - The Situation
"This is a grenade-free zone" - The Situation
"Have a cup of coffee, and it will flow out of your butt hole like a frickin' rainstorm." - Snooki, to a constipated Deena
"Don't prank me. I have brains." - Vinny
"My boobs are like twenty pounds." - JWoww
"I'd rather die standing than live on my knees." - The Situation
"I'm in the bathroom, getting fresh to death, as I do." - Pauly D
"Put on a little Michael Bolton." - The Situation