You know those gorgeous high school girls for whom all the varsity quarterbacks ditch practice? The prom queens and head cheerleaders? The girls from whom Tina Fey gleaned inspiration for her hit film, Mean Girls? Perfect 10’s and Jailbait Knockouts?
Amanda was not one of those girls.
Amanda was tormented by those girls.
And then those girls married their small town sweethearts (who are now alcoholics), bought houses down the street from their parents (who have never been as proud of their children as they were when their children were prom queens and head cheerleaders in high school) and never quite got motivated to lose those last few post-pregnancy pounds. They’ll get on that, soon, I’m sure. (By the way, we’re happy to announce that their babies are very excited to be entering the third and fourth grades next year.)
Amanda, however, has been endorsed by Swayback guitarist and resident heartthrob, William Murphy, as total “Naughty Librarian Fantasy Fodder” and she fits into size four couture. (Not at work, obviously, but you get the point.)
More importantly, Amanda is advancing quickly in her career, is married to a super-cutie, is able to use the word “substantiate“ in a sentence (correctly) and pulls off a cute, li'l nose ring, even in the workplace. Amanda is able to talk “shoes” with the girls (and me) and “cars” with the boys. Amanda can be found navigating the back country in hiking boots or the concrete jungle in Jimmy Choos. And just yesterday, I watched as Amanda was blatantly checked out (and subtly flirted with) by a very attractive local celebrity who was here to talk about our upcoming music showcase and who shall remain nameless, as I am sure he must be seeing someone. (Maybe even one of Amanda’s former tormentors.)
All in all, I’d say Amanda’s doing all right for herself. And without the approval of an “In crowd.” So, high school outcasts take note: Rock your braces! Flaunt your brains! And be yourself! In a couple years, you’ll be making money and breaking hearts.
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More importantly, you’ll have your very own “Gay Boyfriend” (formerly known as “faggot,” “sissy,” “queer,” etc.) to gush about how fabulous you are. And that’s when you’ll know you’ve truly arrived.
Jealous, Prom Queen?
- Steven J. Burge