New planet could possibly harbor life. Who should we send first?

Scientists say nearby star Gliese 581 hosts a planet within the "habitable zone," meaning someday, when we finally make Earth un-inhabitable, we'll have a place to escape to. But long before that, hyper-rich folks the world over will be taking pleasure cruises to the new glamorous destination in the stars, and we need to send a few brave representatives to visit our alien friends, bring them gifts such as blankets covered in smallpox, scope out the best place for the yacht club and so forth.

We'll also need to either decimate the local population or force them into some sort of forced-labor arrangement wherein we give them all Disney T-shirts in exchange for unlimited rights to all their property. We are human, after all. Let's get started.

In an ode to America's lack of foresight, obviously the first to board the spaceship should be Snooki. She's America's favorite craven attention floozy, she's writing a novel, her name is Snooki. What more reason do you need? Come to think of it, she'll be perfect to represent the ol' US of A.

Snooki, why don't you publish that novel over there, as opposed to say, here? Being the only cast member of Jersey Shore on the whole planet, you'll be even more rich and famous. They'll love you. Everyone will wear Snooki-faced T-shirts. It'll be great. Get on the spaceship. She will be accompanied by none other than Colorado's own Heidi Montag, for diversity reasons. You know, at least someone is thinking ahead here.

New planet could possibly harbor life. Who should we send first?
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Once they're there, Snooki and Heidi can get everyone excited about the party scene on a planet which boasts perpetual sunshine on one side and perpetual darkness on the other. This new planet will be perfect for all sorts of debauched revelry. No more waiting till nighttime to dress up like a hooker and parade around slurring Bon Jovi lyrics -- just shoot on over to the Darkside (the PR writes itself) and get the Appletinis flowing. This sets us up for phase two: Mark Zuckerberg.

New planet could possibly harbor life. Who should we send first?
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Mark "I founded Facebook in my dorm room, what of it?" Zuckerberg will get everyone connected and up to speed with social networking, which is crucial to our eventual domination of our foreign friends. Soon, all our little aliens will want to do is post faux-philosophical quotes they found on other people's walls to their walls and plant digital rows of corn over and over. Their brain cells will slowly atrophy, and we'll be able to sell them anything. Which brings us to Steve Jobs.

New planet could possibly harbor life. Who should we send first?

Once the aliens have pledged undying devotion to their new overlord Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs will show up and everyone will pledge their blind faith to the sleek, sexy design and intuitive features of iPhones and iPads, etc. Everyone will buy one because their friend has one, duh. After all the green weirdos are plugged in from head to toe and have lost the ability to think without a rectangular screen or have a conversation face-to-face, the linchpin of Operation Infiltrate, Dominate and Build the Galaxy's Largest Swimming Pool That is Also Home to the Galaxy's Largest Chocolate Fountain will be put in place.

New planet could possibly harbor life. Who should we send first?
flickr

Of course, the Glenn Beck app will precede the actual man, but once the unsuspecting alien victims are primed and ready to receive him, Glenn Beck will say farewell to his loving followers here on Earth to accept his greater calling of enlightening the galaxy. Within months, the new planet will be stocked to capacity with willing and eager "volunteer" laborers, cheerfully polishing billionaires' shoes and mining precious metals and fossil fuels to be sent back to us on Earth. Energy problem solved. Glenn Beck problem solved. Chocolate fountain installed and flowing nicely. Everybody wins.


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