Nightmare lodgings: Five films that will make you want to stay home for the holidays
Sleeping away from home is scary. Hotels hotels, motels and other temporary sleeping arrangements can be full of bed bugs, meth residue and sketchy-ass neighbors -- and when you step out of real life and into the world of horror movies, you can add murderous ghosts, zombies and psychotic clerks to that list (okay, you might encouter that one in real life, too). This Tuesday, December 3, Theresa Mercado's Cruel Autumn series will show Motel Hell, a classic tale of roadside lodging gone horribly wrong, at Crash 45. To get you in the spirit -- or in case you come away from the film wanting even more stories of overnight stays gone so, so wrong -- we've compiled a list of five of the worst away-from-home sleeping options ever documented in the medium of film. If these don't make you want to stay with the in-laws when you travel this holiday season, nothing will. (Warning: Clips may be NSFW.)
Many a young American has dreamed of a backpacking expedition across Europe, full of exotic locales and sexy people to frolic with while enjoying said locales. It's a wonderful plan -- so long as you avoid the infamous Eastern European murder hostels, where rich people from across the world come to carve up unsuspecting young shitheads who just wanted to get laid and sleep in a nice, cheap, youth-friendly location. Pro tip: if you go somewhere where poverty is the rule and life is cheap, be aware that someone might decide to buy yours so they can end it. Well, at least that's a possibility if you're in an Eli Roth movie, anyway.
4) Dead and Breakfast
When you roll into an out-of-the-way bed and breakfast in the boonies of Texas, usually all you have to watch out for is the occasional chainsaw-wielding cannibal. Every once in a while, though, things get even worse, and you end up staying at a B-and-B staffed by a guardian of ancient evil, and then naturally you awaken that evil, which turns out to cause a zombie outbreak. Oops! The good news is that it's a musical, so at least you'll be murdered and dismembered to catchy tunes.
3) The Beyond
If you take away one lesson from The Beyond, it should be that you never, ever want to stay in a hotel built over one of the seven gateways to hell. Turns out that causes more problems than building a house on top of an ancient Indian burial ground. The basement floods, and a zombie comes out of the walls to murder the plumber. Workmen fall from scaffolding without warning. And somehow, a guy looking at the plans for the place gets his face eaten by spiders. It's all kind of confusing and nonsensical, but it will definitely make you double-check the brochure for any references to inter-dimensional gateways to Satan's realm before booking a stay.
2) The Shining
Sure, the Overlook Hotel is both historic and located in the most beautiful mountains ever, but it's not a great place to book a stay. Seems like every other damn room is host to at least one ghost, from those creepy twins to whatever the hell was going on with that dude in a bear suit. (Seriously, what was that all about?) Every once in a while the elevators let loose a torrent of psychic blood, and the place seems especially hard on anyone who likes his booze a little too much -- which, let's be honest, is most of us. At the very least, if you must stay there, avoid staying over the winter, even if does seem like a perfect place to finish that novel you've been working on.
Since it seems to take a pretty young woman traveling alone to send Norman Bates over the edge, most of us are probably fine staying at the infamous Bates Motel. Still, who really wants to take the chance? Even if you don't get stabbed to death in the shower by a cross-dressing psychopath with the worst mommy issues ever, there's always the chance that drain backs up...
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