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(NSFW) The five weirdest sex toys

This is exactly as creepy as you think it is....
This is exactly as creepy as you think it is....

There is nothing wrong with consenting adults using sex toys to spice up some otherwise boring bed-sport, and the adult-toy industry has come up with a truly dazzling selection of every possible implement for every possible body part/orifice. But for every pair of pink, fuzzy handcuffs and every benign blow-up doll, there also lurks a toy that defies belief.

Here are five of the weirdest sex toys out there Warning: your sex-toy cherry will be popped at some point while reading this list.

See also: - Pork slogans, lactating camels, sex toys, bratwurst, blood sausage and spoo - Good Vibrations: Competion is stiff in the sex-toy business. - Denver is a "Hotbed of Sex"

Shrimp flavored?
Shrimp flavored?

5. It's not an instant Cup 'O Noodles... But it is hot, presumably satisfying and comes with a flavor packet. The Cup Nude looks like a noodle cup on the outside -- especially if you squint a lot -- but after removing the top, you see not a stack of container-conforming fried pasta but instead a suspiciously pink mass of...something squishy that probably isn't toxic, but should definitely not be consumed. The accompanying packet is clearly labeled "Gently Acid Lotion," which sounds totally legit and perfect to get smeared all over your dingle-dangle. Truth be screamed here, it might actually be safer to dip your dong into an actual noodle cup, handle your bonky business, and come out smelling like beef, chicken or shrimp.

Sigh.......
Sigh.......

4. Sola, the eco-friendly vibe Folks who try to restrain their carbon footprints -- and mushroom/peach stamps -- apparently need love, too, and this loving-the-earth-and-yourself vibrator is shaped like a flower and carries with it a solar panel much bigger than the actual buzzer to capture the energy of sunlight, and fuel the minutes of fun it produces. Which makes you wonder, "What are the granolas supposed to jig their junk with on cloudy days?" For that matter, yuppie hipsters who really wanted to save energy (not to mention the $70 this costs) could just use their fucking fingers.

It's a golden opportunity.
It's a golden opportunity.

3. The gold standard of vibrators This may be the most expensive vibrator in existence: 18 karat gold-plated and selling for $1,000. It's made in Sweden by Lelo, a company that produces some seriously high-end pleasure gadgets, but the sheer ostentatiousness of this one channels a Sacha Baron Cohen movie-prop feel. It's hard not to picture Middle Eastern oil sheiks and bored Beverly Hills housewives being the only buyers willing to diddle away a sack of cash for this Tiffany of sex toys -- and that's not exactly a stimulating mental picture.



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