If you've been in your relationship for a while, chances are your Valentine's Day can be a pretty laid-back affair -- a rose will suffice, or a nice card, just something to show her that you're thinking about her and you care. If your relationship is new, though, you need something more, because a box of chocolates only proves that you are some sheep-like romantic cliche that will bore her, and also that you don't care about her enough. You need to get creative.
We're here to help. For your aid, we present these intimate gift ideas that we're pretty confident will not frighten her at all.
Create a Facebook profile for your relationship using pictures of you and your sweetie together. Then Photoshop babies into the pictures, so she'll know you are never, ever going to leave her.
Get an erotic cake based on her. Let her know that all of the parts you eat from the cake, you'll be "eating again" later.
Make a Valentine collage out of the pictures you took of her while she was sleeping. Caption it "sweet dreams."
What girl doesn't like new clothes? Get her an entirely new wardrobe. Make sure you throw the old one away -- no girl you're with should be going around in those old things.
Get her a custom stuffed teddy bear holding a heart with her social security and drivers' license numbers on it. That way, she'll have them handy if she needs them for something.
Send her on a scavenger hunt that leads her to a telescope that's pointed into her bedroom window. When she looks through it, she sees you sitting on her bed holding an "I Love You" sign.
Cook her a fancy dinner of roasted duck or chicken coq au vin. Afterward, show her pictures of you beheading, bleeding out and plucking the duck or chicken yourself, so that she will know how much you really care.
Head on down to the Kinko's and print off life-size cutouts of both of your faces, mount them on sticks and cut out the eyes. Voilà! His and hers masks. Not only will they spice up your love life with a little role-play, but you can store them in the same drawer, so in a way, you'll always be together.
Use the hair you've been collecting from her shower drain to make her a bracelet. There's not much sweeter than a nice hair bracelet.
Take a cue from one of the best artists of all time: Cut off your ear, wrap it in tissue paper and tell her to take good care of it. Only then will she know the true extent of your dedication.
(Tiffany Fitzgerald, Sarah McMahon, Kiernan Maletsky and Jonathan Shikes contributed to this crappy list).